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MR. PREEDY' AND THE 
COUNTESS 



MR. PREEDY AND 
THE COUNTESS 



AN ORIGINAL FARCE 
IN THREE ACTS 



By 
R. C. CARTON t^.^oA^ 



Copyright, 191 i, by Samuel French, Limited 



New York 

SAMUEL FRENCH 

Publisher 

a8-3o WEST 38TH STREET 



London 

SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd 

26 Southampton Strbet 

STRAND 



^1.^'"' 






The Fee for each and every Amateur representa- 
tion of tills play is Five Guineas, payable in 
advance to : — 

Messrs. SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd., 
26, Southampton Street, 

Strand, London 
or their authorized representatives. 

No performance may take place unless a written 
authority has first been obtained. 

Any costumes or wigs required in the perform- 
ance of '* Mr. Preedy and the Countess " can be 
hired or purchased reasonably from Messrs. C. H. 
Fox, Ltd., 27, Wellington Street, Strand, London. 
The hire of scenery can also be arranged with this 
firm. 



©CID 24675 



MR. PREEDY AND THE 
COUNTESS 

First produced at the Criterion Theatre, W., out Tuesday, 
April 13, 1909, with the following cast: — 

Earl of KmsLOw .... Mr. G. E. Bellamy. 
Earl of Rushmerb .... Mr. G. Davy Burnahy. 
Hon. Robert Jennerway . . Mr. A. VaneTempest. 

John Bounsall jL^y^^^ns nl"^^^* ^^'^^ Lewis. 
HamiltonPreedy I .^^ ^^!^^^ AMr. Weedon Grossmtth. 
\ Emporium.); 

Mb. Sidqrave Mr. Lytton Grey. 

Reginald Saunders . . . Mr. Walter Pearce. 

B1L30N (Preedy's Manservant) Mr. F. Volpe. 

Chauffeur Mr. Claude Edmonds. 

Joanna, Countess of Rushmere Miss Compton. 

Mrs. Sid grave Miss Lydia Rachel. 

Emma Sid grave Miss Shelley Calton. 

Harriet Budgen .... Miss Dora Barton. 

Time in Representation. — 2 hours and 10 minutes. 



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Dinner table at opening of Act I. 
MR. SIDGRAVE 



., 



JEMMA 




X Fruit-dish with 

a bunch of grapes 
and peaches 

MRS. SIDGRAVK 



PREEDY 



1. 

2. 

3. 

4. 

6. 

C. 

7. 

8. 

9. 
10. 
11- 
12. 
13. 
14- 
16. 
16. 



Plate with dessert knife and fork. 



Finger-bowls. 
Sherry decanter. 
Liqueur glasses. 
Sherry glasses. 
Water Jug. 
Liqueur decanter. 
Claret jug. 
Small whisky glass. 
Serviette ring. 
Ash-tray. 

Serviettes in rings. 
Serviette, 



MR. PREEDY AND THE 
COUNTESS 

This Play may on no account be j)er formed by omateurs 
in the West End of London. ^, 

ACT I 

Scene. — The living-room of Hamilton Freed y's 
London flM. Time, evening. The flat is furnished 
and decorated handsomely and artistically ; there 
is a, small dialing -table, at ivhich are seated Mr. 
Mrs. and Miss Sidgrave and Mr. Hamilton 
Preedy. The two'ladies are seated right and left 
of table, the two gentlemen face each other. The 
dinner has readied the late dessert stage.) 

Time. — The present. ^ 

Laughter and buzz of conversation for rise of curtain 
Mrs. Sidgrave. {seated l. of table) Now, papa^ 
we've heard that story before. I think, Emma, 
we'll leave the gentlemen to their wine, (rises) 

Preedy. [seated at bottom of table. He rises) 
Won't you let me tempt you with a creme de menthe ? 
Mrs. Sidgrave. {smilingly) No, I thank you 
Preedy. {putting his chair below fire-place) 
(Emma, ivho has been seated R. of table, rises. 
I'm afaid you've made a very poor dinner, Mrs. Sid- 
grave. Bachelors' quarters, you know. ^ 



10 



MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. [Act I. 



Mrs. Sidgrave. You are too modest, Mr. Preedy. 
I'm sure everything has been deUghtful. (c.)' 

Preedy. My household sorely lacks feminine 
supervision, (r.c.) 

Mrs. Sidgrave. (turning) At any rate, that 
disadvantage is not irremediable. Come, Emma, 
dear. 

(Emma goes up r. to drawing-room door.) 

Preedy. Permit me. 

(He goes to draiving-room door, opens it. The two 
ladies fass out. Preedy closes door after them and 
returns to head of table.) 

(Sidgrave, ivho has been seated at head of table, rises, 
comes c. to below table, and sits r. of table.) 

Sidgrave. Well, my dear Preedy, allow me to 
echo Mrs. Sidgrave's words, as I not infrequently do : 
charming little meal ! < 

Preedy, Ah ! my memory travels back to the 
soup, which seemed to be composed of hot water 
and black pepper. 

Sidgrave. Oh no ! An excellent soup. 

Preedy. And one could see by the look of the 
lamb cutlets that they were sheepish — as they had 
reason to be. Ah ! well — the claret decanter is at 
your elbow, Mr. Sidgrave. 

Sidgrave. Thank you. (helps himself to wine) 

Preedy. 1 forget whether you're a smoker ? 

Sidgrave. One cigarette after dinner. 



Act I.] MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. 11 

Preedy. Quite so ! Allow me. {fetches cigar- 
ettes and matches from mantelshelf) These are Turk- 
igh — these are American. 

SiDGRAVE. You're very good. (takes one) I 
have an impulse to raise my glass— as I beheve they 
say in Germany — in celebration of the recent impor- 
tant change in your prospects. 

Freed Y. The partnership ? (l. 0/ table above 

chair) 

Sidgrave. The partnership, {seated R. of table. 

Lights cigarette) 

Preedy. It's a— big thing, isn't it ? 
Sidgrave. It is indeed. A partnership in the 
great Bounsall Emporium ! If your late father, 
towards whom, as you are aware, I stood in the dual 
relation of friend and legal adviser, could have fore- 
seen that his son would rise to such a very distin- 
guished commercial altitude, he would have been a 
happy man to-day. 

Preedy. Yes ; it's— there's no doubt it's a big 
thing, {takes cigarette and lights it) 
^ Sidgrave. Mr. Bounsall, whom I have never 
had the pleasure of meeting, must be a remarkable 
man. Napoleonic ! 

Preedy. Oh ! he is— quite— Napoleonic. He 

has advanced my interests to a far greater extent 

than I had any right to expect. There is, in fact, 

only one disadvantage to my present very gratify- 

i ng position. 

Sidgrave. What is that, my dear Hamilton ? 



12 MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. [Act I' 

Preedy. I don't mind saying there are times 
wlien Mr. Bounsall frightens me out of my socks. 

SiDGRAVE. Dear me ! 

Preedy, Of course I feel I am only a very junior 
partner ; and even now when 1 sit down in Mr. 
BounsalFs presence, it is always on the edge of the 
chair. He's been going in a good deal lately for 
smart society — motoring — horses. 

SiDGRAVE. Motoring and horses ? 

Preedy. Horse-racing. He has several in train- 
ing. And yachts — he's at Cowes at this moment. I 
suppose it'll mean Parliament by and by. 

SiDGRAVE. ParUament ? 

Preedy. Yes ; he won't look at the County 
Council. Of course, his rate of expenditure is very 
high, even for so wealthy a man. However, Mr. 
Bounsall, though an interesting topic, was not quite 
the one I was anxious to discuss with you. 

SiDGRAVE. No ? (looks at Preedy in an em- 
barrassing manner) 

Preedy. No. I — er — won't you have a little 
more claret ? 

SiDGRAVE. Not any more, thank you. 

Preedy. As I ventured to point out to Mrs. Sid- 
grave that my household lacks feminine control, and 
remembering our happy Sunday evenings in Man- 
chester, I — you are quite sure you won't have a little 
more claret ? (offering claret) 

SiDGRAVE. Quite sure. You were saying there 
was some topic you wished to discuss w^ith me. 



ACTl.] MR. IMli'-EDY AND THE COUNTESS. 13 

Preedy. Er — yes. In tliese cases there's nothing 
for it but reckless audacity, {sitting l. of table } 
Should I be acceptable to you as a future son-in-law ? 

SiDGRAVE. My dear Hamilton, what you have 
just said has given to me — and will shortly give to 
Mrs. Sid grave — the most affectionate pleasure. 

{Both rise and shake hands across the table.) 

There h no one vrhom we would so gladly welcome 
as a son. 

(SiDGRAVE sits again.) 

(BiLSON comes in from 'pantry. Comes c.) 
Preedy. You are more than kind, Mr. Sidgrave, 
and I can only tell you that 

{BiLSOX coughs.) 

{to Bilson) What is it? I didn't ring. 

BiLSON. Thought you might like me to clear 
away. 

Preedy. Not at present. I'm very much occu- 
pied. 

(Bilson goes out sulkily into fantry. Preedy returns 

to c.) 

SiDGRAVE. Any sudden matter of importance ? 

Preedy. (c.) Oh no ! My man is apt to be a 
little fidgety. He is honest, industrious, and thor- 
oughly c'jmp^tent, ani it will b3 on^ of th3 happiest 
moments in my life when I can find a suitable reason 



14 MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. [Act I 

for giving him a month's notice. Do you think I 
may anticipate a favourable response from Emma — 
Miss Emma ? 

SiDGRAVE. I see no cause for despondency. 
Faint heart, you know. 

Preedy. Yes, exactly. I was thinking that 
possibly you might — break the ice for me. {returning 
to top of table R.c.) 

SiDGRAVE. No, my dear fellow. Plead from 
your own brief. Mrs. Sidgrave and I can remain H 
final court of appeal, (rises) I'll send Emma to 
you. {crossing below table to c.) 

Preedy. What, just after dinner ? (l.c.) 
SiDGRAVE. No time like the present. 
Preedy. I should have been glad of a minute or 
two to pull myself together. 

SiDGRAVE. Oh no ! Oh no ! {looking about. 
Going up c. and above settee. Looks on table l.) 

Preedy. Have you lost anything, Mr. Sidgrave ? 
{following him round.) 

SiDGRAVE. I am merely seeking something that 
might furnish us with a reasonable excuse for hex 
return to this apartment, {behind settee) Ah ! — I 
perceive her mother's fan on the settee. 

Preedy. {at upper end of settee) Yes. Allow 
me. {picking it up) 

SiDGRAVE. No, no ! leave it there, {crossing 
behind Preedy to c.) I'll send dear Emma to fetch 
it. I think that is a pretext in which tact and plausi- 
bility are rather happily combined, {above Preedy) 



ActL] MR. PREEDY AND THE COUXTESS. 15 

( Freed Y nervously replaces fan on settee. Sidgrave 
moves slightly towards door r.) 

Preedy. Don't you think we might postpone it 
until to-morrow ? If I were to call round about three 
thirty 

Sidgrave. Oh no ! What does the old song say. 
" He either fears his fate too much — or his deserts 
are small — who dare not do something or other — " 
which has slipped my memory ; but the general 
bearing of the quotation is obvious. I'll send Emma 
to you. 

(He goes into drawing-room, r.u.e.) 

(Preedy walks up and down nervously for a moment 
or tivo, mutters " Pve done it .' " He then goes to 
table and hastily pours himself out a glass of wine ; 
murmurs " To Emma .^ " As he raises the glass 
to his lips, Emma enters timidly from drawing-room. 
He sees her and chokes slightly. He is l. of table.) 

Emma. Oh, pray forgive me, Mr. Preedy ; I 

[comes down between fire-place and table) 

Preedy. (gasping) Don't name it, Miss Emma. 

Emma. I'm afraid I'm disturbing you. 

Preedy. Not in the least ! I was — I was only 
putting away the wine. 

Emma. Mamma has mislaid her fan. 

Preedy. Really ! (c.) 

Emma. She didn't notice it till papa pointed it out 
just now. 

Preedy. No ? 



16 MR. PPvEEDY AND THE COUNTESS. [Act I. 

Emma. If you don't mind, I think I'll look for it^ 
Preedy. Certainly, Miss Emma. Permit me to 
assist you. 

{She strolls round the room to l. by ivriting-table L* 
and above settee. He lifts the table-eloth, kneels and 
carejully searches under table.) 

Emma. I don't see it. 

Preedy. (on his hands and knees) Neither do I. 
[from above settee she sees fan) 

Emma. Oh, here it is ! (picking up fan and com 
ing doivn behind settee to l.) 

Preedy. (rising) Ah ! that's very forfcunate. 
(she is going r., he intercepts her departure) 
Going already ? 

Emma. Yes, T was. (they are noiv both in front 
of settee) 

Preedy. Don't — ^just for a minute. Searching 
for the fan reminds me of that capital game we used 
to play with the thimble — on Christmas Eve, I 
remember. Won't you sit down ? 

Emma. Mamma may want her fan. 

Preedy. I don't think so. The evening has 
turned quite chilly. 

(She hesitatingly sits on settee.) 
1 remember (seats himself nervously by Emma, on her 
R.) the Christmas before last, when the excitement 
was at its height, it was discovered that young Mr. 
Sauaders had concealed the thimble in his waistcoat 



ACT I.] MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. 1*7 

pocket. Even in a game in which no money stake 
was involved, it was a discreditable thing to do. 
How is young Mr. Saunders ? h 

Emma. Reggie ? 

Preedy. I seem to remember hearing that his 
name was Reginald. A dentist, I beUeve ? 

Emma. A surgeon dentist. He's very well ; he 
often drops in. 

Preedy. Does he ? Yes, he's the kind of man 
that would. Miss Emma, I suppose you're wedded 
to Manchester ? ; 

Emma. Well, you see, I was born in Manchester. 

Preedy. Ah ! but that might happen to any- 
body. What I mean is [yiervously) Suppose a 

London man was able to nerve himself to ask you • 

(Emma looks at Preedy.) 
Pardon me, I've got it wrong, {wipes his forehead 
with his handkerchief) Could you bring yourself to 
marry a Londoner ? 

Emma. That would depend on ivhat Londoner. 

Preedy. Quite so. Well, some few months ago 
Mr. Bounsall wanted a partner. 

Emma. But I've never met Mr. Bounsall. I 
shouldn't care to marry anybody I don't know. 

Preedy. I'm afraid I'm not making myself 
entirely clear. Some months ago Mr. Bounsall, re- 
quiring a partner, permitted me to step down from 
a high stool into that responsible position. Now I 
also need a partner. Could you consent to become 



18 MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. [Act I. 

my wife ? — and allow me to include you, indirectly, 
as a member of the firm ? 

(BiLSON comes in unnoticed.) 
Emma. I don't want to answer too quickly, be- 
cause by and by you might say to me 

(BiLSON has come to hack of settee.) 

BiLSON. Would there be any objection to my 
clearing away ? 

Preedy. (rises, angrily) What ! Confound it f 
Yes, there would — every objection. Don't you see 
I'm busy ? (almost pushing Bilson towards pantry) 
BiLSON. I've got to get to Hounslow, and it's 
aearly eleven. 

Preedy. I don't care if it's to-morrow morning • 
(Bilson again withdraws. Preedy sits.) 
Emma — may I say Emma ? — is it to be a chilling 
" no " or a rapturous " yes " ? I mean, of course > 
the rapture would be mine. Or must I endeavour 
to content myself with a tentative " perhaps " ? 

Emma. If you're quite sure you'd like me to, I 
think I could 

Preedy. (clasping Iter) Emma, dearest ! — Queen 
of my heart ! 

Emma. Wait. There is something I ought to tell 
you — about — Reggie Saunders. 

Preedy. Something about Reginald Saunders ? 
For the love of Heaven, don't call him Reggie. 
What about Mr. Saunders ? 
i Emma. You'll — you'll be patient with me? 



ActL] MR. PREEDY ^ND THE COUNTESS. I& 

Preedy. My feelings are entirely under my cori- 
trol. Ha, ha ! — You see, I can laugh. Gro on. 

Emma. He has always — er 

Preedy. Go on ! What has he always ? 

Emma. Rather — I'm afraid very much — admired 
me ; and some months ago he asked me to be engaged 
to ■ him. 

Preedy. And what was your answer ? 

Emma. I said I wasn't sure ■ 

(Preedy groans and turns away.) 
Oh, please don't take it like that ! (puts her right 
hand on his left shoulder) I wasn't sure then 

Preedy. {looks round at her; puts his hand on 
hers) Not then ? But you are now ? 

Emma. Oh yes, indeed I am !— quite — quite sure. 

(He smiles beamingly.) 

Preedy. My dearest !^-Then the whole a€air 
sinks into nothingness. 

Emma. Ah ! but he's very persistent ; he told me 
he should continue to hope ; and he would write to 
me, though I told him not ; and he went on writing 
and hoping ; and I answered his letters now and then 
in a sisterly way. And papa and mamma didn't 
know, and it was very inconvenient. 

Preedy. If he dares to make himself disagreeable, 
I'll explain the whole affair to Mr. Sidgrave. 

Emma. Oh, Hamilton, you make me feel so much 
happier ! 
^ Preedy. That, dearest, is my sole object ia life. 



^.i 



20 MH. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. [Act [ 

Reginald Saunders may still drop in, but for all prac- 
tical purposes he drops out. 

(Mrs. Sidgrave comes on r. u. e., followed by 

SiDGRAVE.) 

Emnaa ! (about to clasp her again) 

Mrs. Sidgrave. Young people ! Young people f 
Have you any idea how late it is ? (coming r.c. by 
chair l. of table) 

(Sidgrave stands with his back to the fire-place. 
Freed Y and Emma have risen.) 

Pre ED Y. No, Mrs. Sidgrave. We — we have been 
occupied — ab^orbsd — but we — we founi the fan. 

(Freed Y takes fan from Emma and hands it to Mrs. 

Sidgrave.) 

Mrs. Sidgrave. (archly) Thankyou, Mr. Preedy. 
I ought to apologize for giving you so much trouble. 

F^eedy. Oh no, not at all ! We took a rest 
every now and then. The fact is, Mrs. Sidgrave, 
subject to your approval, Emma has just consented 
to — make — no — to render me the — as it were — 
happiest of men. (takes Emma's right hand in his 
left and backs up' stage slightly) 

Mrs. Sidgrave. Emma, dearest, is this true ? 

Emma, (crossing to her mother) Yes, mamm a 
dear — if you and papa don't mind. 

(Freedy goes to back of settee down stage.) 
Mrs. Sidgrave. Mind, dearest ? Your happiness 



ActL] MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. 21 

is ours, {kissing her) But I must say Hamilton 
has quite taken us by surprise. Has he not, papa ? 

SiDGRAVE. Completely ! 
^ (Emma joins Preedy at back of settee, on Ms r.) 

Mrs. SiDGRAVE. I might have been careful not to 
mislay my fan, had I known the search for it would 
lead to your stealing a march 

Preedy. Not a march, Mrs. Sidgrave ; that's 
too solemn. Emma has changed the meloly to six- 
eight time. 

(Mrs. Sidgrave laughs gently.) 
Mrs. Sidgrave. Very happily put ! Well; now I 
just want one word with you. {she crosses towards 
Preedy) Papa dear, talk to Emma for a minute. 

•(Sidgrave and Emma go up to window and talk apart 

Mrs. Sidgrave sits on settee. Preedy comes below 

settee and sits beside her.) 
Hamilton, at a moment such as this a mothex^ 
responsibility is a heavy one. 

Preedy. Oh yes, of course — heavy — as lead. 

Mrs. Sidgrave. London is the home of follies 
and temptations ; there is a lamentable saying that 
where dissipation is concerned, young men will be 
young men. May I hope that you have been an 
exception to that painful rule ? 

Preedy. I assure you, Mrs. Sidgrave, I've never 
gone in for reckless dissipation — with the exception 
of an occasional sacred concert. I've never been 
what you might call a man-about-town. 



22 MR. FREED Y AND THE COUNTESS. [Act I. 

Mrs. Sidgrave {patting him on the shoulder) I 
expected no less of you. You will pardon a mother's 
solicitude ? (rising and moving towards the others) 
Now, papa dear, I'm afraid we must tear ourselves 
away, (c.) 

pREEDY. It's really not very late, Mrs. Sidgrave. 

Mrs. Sidgrave. Ali ! you must remember we 
are staying at a Family Hotel, where late hours are 
■discouraged. Has the carriage come, papa ? 

(Emma comes down stage slightly.) 

Sidgrave . (looking out of tvindoiv) I should say it 
probably has. Our job-master is usually punctual. 
How about your cloak, my dear ? 

Preedy. Allow me, Mrs. Sidgrave (going above 
settee to bedroom door l.) 
. Mrs. Sidgrave. No, no, don't trouble ! (crossing 
to door L. t. e. with Emma) We know where they ai/e. 

(She and Emma go into bedroom.) 

Sidgrave. (up r.c, shaking hands ivith Preedy, 
who returns to him — above the settee) Well, my dear 
fellow, you see I was right. There was no cause for 
anxiety (moving) Let me see, I think I left my coat 
in the hall. 

Preedy (getting hat and coat from hall) I am 
triumphantly overjoyed. Let me give you a hand. 
(helps him on tviih his coat) 

Sidgrave. Thank you. We shall doubtless find 
■an opportunity for another pleasant little talk over 
things ; for even a happy event hke this has its 



ActL] MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. 23 

prosaic business side. Now where did T put my 
hat? 

(Freed Y gives it to him.) 
I am obUged. (goes above table to fire-place. Puts 
hat on table) 

(Mrs. Sidgrave and Emma enter, l. i. e. Mrs. 

SiDGRAVE sits on settee, Emma at back of settee down 

stage.) 

Preedy. What are you doing to-morrow ? 

Sidgrave. Ah — mamma, what is to-morrow's 
programme ? [putting on his gloves) 

Mrs. Sidgrave. (sittifig on settee) Oh ! as our 
time is so Hmited, we are crowding as much gaiety 
j^s we can into each day. I think to-morrow morning 
we had decided to visit the Royal Academy. Had 
we not, Emma ? [putting on her gloves) 

Emma. Yes, mamma dear. 

Mrs. Sidgrave. Emma has never seen the inside 
of Westminster Abbey ; and we have to make a few 
feminine purchases which I need not describe in 
detail. After luncheon we had thought of visiting 
the Imperial Institute and also the Natural History 
Museum, which is fortunately adjacent, [laughing) 
I fear you will think us very frivolous. 

Preedy. (c.) Oh no ! Without its bright mo- 
ments, hfe would be a tragedy. 

Mrs. Sidgrave. In the evening Mr. Sidgrave has 
to attend a dinner at Willis's Rooms. 

Sidgrave. Masonic. 



24 MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. [Act I. 

Mrs. Sidgrave. Later, thanks to the fortunate 
fact that my nephew George is a Westminster scholar, 
we are to witness a performance o{ a Greek play. 

Preedy. You're having quite a time, aren't you ? 

Sidgrave. Ah ! well, a little rational amusement 
keeps us young. How are you situated yourself 
to-morrow ? 

Preedy. Unfortunately, as Mr. Bounsall is away, 
I'm rather tied by the leg — both legs, in fact ; but 
I might have a dash at the Natural History Museum 
fbr half an hour or so. 

Sidgrave. Do, my dear fellow. All work and 
no play is an excellent proverb. I tell you what, 
{picking up his hat from table) I'll call round in the 
early morning and we can then sketch out the cam- 
paign for the week. Good night ! (comes below 
table, meets Preedy) We are taking light hearts 
away with us. [shaking him by the hand) 

Mrs. Sidgrave. Papa, you and I will go on. 
{going up r.c.) 

(Preedy crosses up stage to hall door, opens it. Mr. 
Sidgrave goes up between table and fire-place to 
hall door. Emma goes up c. towards hall door.) 

I dare say Hamilton won't mind bringing Emma. 
Sidgrave. Quite so. Good night, Hamilton. 

{Thet/ go off. Exeunt to l. through hall. Mrs. Sid- 
grave exits, followed by Mr. Sidgrave. Preedy 
intercepts Emma at door.) 
Preedy. Emma, let me snatch this opportunity 



A(?Tl.] MR- PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. 25 

of assuring you of a devotion that can only terminate 
with hfe. 

(BiLSON comes from pantry, unseen by Preedy. Puts 

tray down by stand, No. 19.) 
Now that we are alone again 

Emma. But we're not. 

Preedy. What ? {turning round) What are you 
doing there, Bilson ? Whatever it is, I believe you 
do it on purpose. 

BiLSON. I could hear your friends were going at 
last, so I thought you'd wish me to see 'em out. 
{behind settee) 

Preedy. It is my intention to see them out my- 
self, {aside to Emma) Come, dearest ; happily the 
Btone staircase is still left to us. 

{She gives a rose to Preedy.) 
{They go out through hall.) 

(BiLSON, who has picked up tray, goes over to table 
and rather deliberately begins to fold table napkins ; 

' throws them under side board, removes plates, etc., 
but leaves ivater-jug, a small tumbler, also serviette 
ring on l. of table, and an ash-tray. All decanters 
are put on the sideboard up r. The white table-cloth 
is not removed. Bilson takes up sJierry decanter, 
pauses for a moment in doubt, listens, then slightly 
shakes his Jiead and removes it and claret decanter 
to sideboard as Preedy comes in. Preedy ignores 
Bilson and sinks upon settee and remains wrapt in 
romantic reverie, gazing at the rose which Emma has 



26 MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. [Act I. 

been wearing. Bilson coughs, Preedy takes no 

notice.) 

Bilson. The clock has stopped. Could you 
oblige me with the time ? 

Preedy. No, I couldn't ; I'm not thinking of 
the time. 

Bilson. I noticed that. And I suppose you 
liaven't been turning your attention to the last Houu- 
slow tram? 

Preedy. You're quite right, I haven't. 

Bilson. Well, I 'ave ; and if I ain't mistaken 
it's turning to wet. 

Preedy. {again absently) Is it ? I dare say. I 
feel too happy to worry about the weather. 

Bilson. Do you ? Mr. Preedy, sir, when I was 
engaged to valet you, nothing was said about dinner 
parties-^six courses for four persons — and no assist- 
ance given — is — well, it's thick ! 

{Warni7ig bell.) 

Preedy. {again rousing himself) Eh ? What's 
thick? 

Bilson. I'm speaking of the dinner. 

Preedy. {ivith some irritation) The expression 
thick cannot be applied to the soup. 

Bilson. That's a matter between you and cook. 
She's a nasty-tempered woman, as you know ; she 
went straight 'ome after making the coffee. 

Preedy. Ah ! now that was tliick. 

Bilson. {ignoring the interruption) She went 



Act I.] MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. 27 

away without washing so much as a sauce tureen. 
{putting cigarette-hox and matches on mantelfiece) 
But she Uves at Brixton, and I don't know as I blame 
'er. 

Preedy. Kindly concentrate your attention on 
clearing away. 

(Bell rings.) 
I should much prefer Is that the bell ? 

BiLSON. I didn't hear it — and I should be loath 
to think that anybody calling himself a gentleman 
would come as late as this, [fiching up tray) 

Preedy. Well, I was about to say that I shall 
be glad if you'll push on, because I should prefer 
my room to your company. 

(Bell rings again.) 
There is some one. G-o and see who it is. 

BiLSON places tray on chair r. of hall door, and with 

a look of concentrated indignation goes out.) 
Preedy gets up and goes hastily over to table, pours 
water into glass, places rose therein, then goes to 
window and looks out. Bilson returns, followed by 
BouNSALL, who is dressed in motor-coat and cap.) 
Bilson. Mr. Bounsall ! (ton. of door) 
Preedy. Good evening, Mr. Bounsall ! I didn't 
know yon were returning to town yet. (up R.c.) 

Bounsall. My return was unforeseen but impera- 
tive. Get rid of your man, will you ? (removing 
motor-coat, gloves and hat ; up l.c.) 



28 MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. [Act I . 

Preedy. Certainly ! Bilson, you needn't wait. 

BiLSON. How about clearing away ? {^picking 
up tray) 

Preedy. Oh ! go to — Hounslow ! 

(BouNSALL has taken off his gloves.) 
Leave everything as it is — and clear yourself away. 

(Bilson shrugs his shoulders and departs in injured 
dignity into pantry.) 

Now, Mr. Bounsall, I'm quite at your service. 

BouNSALL. {having removed motor-coat and hat, 
places thcfn on chair up l.c, No. 6) I find myself in 
rather a serious difficulty. 

Preedy. Will you have a cigar ? {up r.c.) 

Bounsall. No, I won't! 

Preedy. A cigarette ? 

Bounsall. When I want anything, I'll ask for it. 
{crossing below table to fire place) Kindly give me 
your attention. 

(Preedy is about to speak.) 
Your silent attention. The state of my nerves is 
such that the man who interrupted me to-night would 
do it at the peril of his life. Sit down. 

(Preedy sits on the extreme edge of a chair.) 
Preedy, the fact that you are where you are to-day is ^ 
I think, you will admit, entirely due to me. 

Preedy. I {fidgeting with napkin ring, 

which he twists with the first finger of right hand.) 

Bounsall. Silence ! You can thank me so me 



Act I.] MR. PKEEDY AND THE COUNTESS. 29 

other time. You will greatly oblige me if you will 
leave off twiddling that ring. Well now, {sits r. of 
table R.c.) in the accounts that appear in the daily 
papers of the various distinguished social functions, 
you may have remarked the name of Joanna, Countess 
of Rushmere ? 

Preedy. I may have, {picking rose from glass 
and smelling it) But I shouldn't hke to swear to it. 
BouNSALL. You're not in the witness box, and 
it's entirely unimportant whether you have or not. 
{takes rose from Preedy and places it on table) But 
ahe enjoys a celebrity which modern photography 
has done much to enhance. My friendship with 
Lady Eushmere originally came about through her 
husband — the Honourable Robert Jennerway. 

Preedy. I thought you said the Countess of Rush- 
mere ? 

BouNSALL. So I did ; and, as I tell you, she is 
also my very intimate friend. 

Preedy. Oh yes, of course, I gathered that when 
you called her by her Christian name. 
Boun'sall. I did nothing of the kind ! 
Preedy. Wouldn't she be Mrs. Robert Jenner- 
way ? 

BouNSALL. If you knew your Debrett, as every 
gentleman does, such an error would be impossible. 
Lady Rushmere is the widow of the late Earl of Rush- 
mere, his nephew is the present Earl. His distin- 
guished aunt-in-law has herself married again — this 
time the HoQourable Robert Jennerway ; but she 



30 MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. [Act I. 

retains her title of Joanna Countess of Rushmere. Is 
that clear to you ? 

Preedy. Yes — oh yes, I think so. 

BouNSALL. Well now, Jennerway is a bad egg. 

Preedy. A bad egg ? 

BouNSALL. Yes. And, if I were inclined to 
indulge in a feeble jest, I should say that in a matri- 
monial sense the yolk has never been properly set. 

Preedy. {feebly) Ha, ha ! (seated l. of table y 

BouNSALL. What ? 

Preedy. I was merely conveying amusement. 

BouNSALL. Oh ! Well, Jennerway's maritial fidel- 
ity has been intermittent. Matters culminated about 
the middle of last week, when, to pursue my com- 
parison of the egg, he fell off the wall of propriety 
into the arms of a Viennese opera singer, and they 
have gone, so I understand, to Cairo, [seated R. of 
table) 

Preedy. Is the Honourable Humpty — — 

BouNSALL. You understand his name is not 
actually Humpty — his name is Robert. 

Preedy. Quite so. 

BouNSALL. Well, this desertion of Jennerway's 
naturally placed Lady Rushmere in a distressing 
position ; she stood sorely in need of a friend, and, 
in a perfectly moral sense, a protector ; and at the 
moment when Jennerway executed his disreputable 
flank movement, Lady Rushmere was cruising on 
board my yacht ; we were, as we sailors put it, 
hugging 



Act I.] MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. 31 

Preedy. Really ? (Preedy has been gradually 
moving his hand toivards the rose, ivhich he now picks 
up) 

BouNSALL. Hugging the coast. 

Preedy. Oh ! Well, I suppose there's nothing 
■'in that. 

BouNSALL. Nothing whatever. It's a technical 
term. We were accompanied by friends, as 1 need 
hardly say. {snatches rose from Preedy and throws 
it on floor in front of table) But she gave her confidence 
exclusively to me, and permitted me to persuade her 
to accept during the necessary legal delay the chaper- 
onage of an aunt of mine, who, though an octogen- 
arian, is still possessed of many — indeed, most — of 
her faculties, and who has a villa with three acres of 
arable land in Hertfordshire, (looking for Preedy, 
who has gone on his knees to pick up the rose) Sit 
down ! 

Kv (Preedy sits.) 

In Hertfordshire. 

Preedy. Exactly ! I see — yes ; it would make 
a pleasant change. 

BouNSALL. I was naturally anxious that our 
movements should escape observation ; in view of 
which we motored up from Cowes to-day in my 
landaulet. Lady Rushmere is in need of rest and 
refreshment, and as her personality is widely known, 
hotels and restaurants are impossible. That, my 
dear Preedy, is the reason why I am here, {rising) 



32 MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. [Act I. 

Preedy. I'm not quite certain that I understand. 
(rising) 

BouNSALL. We shall continue our journey to 
Hertfordshire in the early morning ; but, in bridging 
over the necessary interval, I depend on you. 

Preedy. On me ? 

BouNSALL. Yes. (crosses below table to hall door. 
Picks up caf from chair) I will fetch Lady Rush- 
mere, whose patience must be nearly exhausted. 

Preedy. But you know, Mr. Bounsall, (following 
BouNSALL wp stage) I live in a modest bachelor way. 

(Bounsall places his. cap on his head.) 

Bounsall. My dear good Preedy, that is under- 
stood, (seeing rose in Preedy's coat^ he quite casu- 
ally snatches it out and throws it on floor by settee) It*s 
only for an hour or two. 

Preedy. You mentioned refreshment. As it 
happens, I have been entertaining friends. 

Bounsall. Very fortunate ! 

Preedy. But, from what I remember of the food 
when it was hot, I tremble to think what it will taste 
like now it's cold. 

Bounsall. I'm sure Lady Rushmere will view 
everything with an indulgent eye. (going) 

Preedy. (folloivs him) Just a minute ! How do I 
address her ? You mentioned that she was Joanna* 
Countess of Rushmere. Do I say Lady Rushmere, or 
do I say Countess ? 

Bounsall. Lady Rushmere is more usual. 



ActL] MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. 33 

Preedy. I don't say Joanna ? 

BouNSALL. You certainly do not ! This may be 
rather an ordeal for you. Endeavour to brace your- 
self to meet it. 

(He goes out, door l.c, into hall, and exits.) 
(Preedy remains transfixed for a second or two. His 
responsibilities then ay fear to daw7i upon him. He 
hastily picks up the rose, puts it into glass on table 
R., after pouring ivater into glass from jug ; then 
hastily begins to rearrange the dinner-table. He is 
just replacing the two wine decanters which he brings 
from sideboard, iphen Bounsall returns, followed by 
Lady Rushmere.) 

Bounsall. {to Lady Rushmere, on her r.) 
These, Lady Rushmere, are my partner's unpreten- 
tious rooms. 

Lady Rushmere. Ah, yes ! — very useful, (strolls 
down L.c.) 

Bounsall. Preedy, I have the pleasure of mak- 
ing you known to Lady Rushmere. (removes his 
cap and places it on chair r. of door) 

(On hearing their voices Preedy, ivho has come down 
bettveen fire-place and table, instinctively places both 
decanters behind him. He bows profoundly. Lady 
Rushmere advances to him and holds out her hand.) 
Lady Rushmere. Glad to meet you ! 

(Preedy is embarrassed ivith the decanters, and is 
unable to take it ; but lie hastily places the decanters 
on the table and respectfidly shakes hands.) 



34 MR. FREED Y AND THE COUNTESS. [Act I. 

Preedy. I am honoured — deeply honoured — er — 
Lady Rushmere. I was just making — a — a few hasty 
preparations, (indicating the wine.) 

Lady Rushmere. Thanks — yes — so I see. I 
dare say they'll come in handy. 

Preedy. Your ladyship is probably feehng very 
tired? 

Lady Rushmere. I'm a bit fagged, but it's all in 
the night's work. 

BouNSALL. May I suggest this settee, Lady Rush- 
mere ? (taking her cloak and placing it on window- 
seat) 

Lady Rushmere. Thanks, (goes over to settee) 
You've got pleasant quarters here, Mr. Preedy ; but 
they're a bit nearer to Heaven than I'm accustomed 
to. (she sits) 

BouNSALL. Yes. Really, Preedy, your staircase 
is interminable ! (returning to c.) 

Preedy. (r.c.) I'm afraid it is. There is a lift, 
but it's only for the removal of dust. 

BouNSALL. 'Sh! 'Sh! (c.) 

Lady Rushmere. This invasion's rather rough 
on you — what ? I'm afraid we're lumbering you up ? 

BouNSALL. By no means ! Preedy is deeply 
gratified at the opportunity. 

Preedy. Deeply ; quite beyond my power to 
convey. 

BouNSALL. Well, now, Preedy, bustle about, will 
you ? Lady Rushmere is in pressing need of nutri- 
ment, (goes up c.) 



1 



Act I.] MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. 35 

Preedy. Yes, of course, naturally I I'll go and 
forage in the larder. 

{He goes out into pantry. Bouns all comes to Lady 

RUSHMERE.) 

Lady Rushmere. Seems a decent little chap — 
your friend. 

BoUNSALL. Friend is perhaps over-stating the 
case. We may safely rely on his maintaining a proper 
and respectful attitude. On the whole, I thought it 
desirable to take him into my confidence — our confi- 
dence. 

Lady Rushmere. As to what ? 

BouNSALL. (standing on Lady Rushmere's r. 
at top of settee) Well, I indicated the nature of our 
present difficulties, and dimly shadowed forth the 
glories of a possible future. 

Lady Rushmere. Did you include my trip to 
your aunt in Hertfordshire among the glories ? 

BouNSALL. Incidentally I did. 

Lady Rushmere. Ah! Well, I suppose one 
oughtn't to look a gift aunt in the mouth, but " glory " 
strikes me as being a trifle exaggerated. 

BouNSALL. My aunt is an amiable and pious 
woman, and, until it became sKghtly impaired by time, 
of sterling intellect. 

Lady Rushmere. Ah ! I seem to be in for a 
good thing. Your friend appears to find the banquet 
rather a difficult problem. 

BouNSALL. That may possibly be so. 



36 MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. [Act I. 

Lady Rushmere. Then why not go and help him 
to wrestle with it ? It may be necessary to turn 
something out of a saucepan. 

BouNSALL. {going r.) Hardly a task for a man 

in my position to undertake, but (turning at r. 

of table) 

(Preedy comes in.) 

Oh, here lie is ! 

(Preedy mah's signs to Bounsall. Bounsall 
mutters, " What ? What ? ") 

Preedy. (c.) My worst fears have been realized ! 
The lamb cutlets — no, I'll be perfectly frank with you 
— the mutton cutlets — have gone. 

Bounsall. Gone ! Gone where ? 

Preedy. I can't speak with certainty ; they 
may have gone to Hounslow ; on the other hand , 
they may have gone to Brixton. 

Bounsall. {with hack to fire-flace and hands on 
chair r. of table) Preedy, you're hardly justifying 
the dependence I placed on you. 

Lady Rushmere. It isn't his fault if his cutlets 
Uve in the suburbs. Really, anything will do. I 
hate being such a nuisance ! Possibly a biscuit or 
a sandwich ? 

Preedy. A sandwich ? During the last few 
minutes my breakfast ham has been floating through 
my mind. Would a ham sandwich ? 

Lady Rushmere. Like it of all things ? 

Preedy. That's very reassuring, (going) 



Act I.] MR. PREEDY AND THE COUKTESS. 87 

BouNSALL. Cut plenty, Preedy. (round above 
table to c.) I may try one or two myself. 
Preedy. Certainly. 

{He goes off into pantry u.l.) 
Lady Rushmere. You know, there'll bo a hulla- 
baloo among the Rushmere division when they find 
I've disappeared. 

BouNSALL. {on Lady Rusiiiviere's r., above settee) 
Surely it's hardly a matter in which the nephew of 
your late husband has any special right of interven- 
tion ? 

Lady Rushmere. Rushmere's quite a good boy ; 
but he's got a temper like a grilled turkey- leg. You 
see, he's bringing a little divorde of his own, directly ; 
and if I set up in the same way of businesfi just now^, 
he might think it was infringement of copyright. 
Then there's old Kinslow. 
BouNSALL. Lord Kinslow ? 

Lady Rushmere. Yes, Bob's father. HeV 
always got a great notion of keeping things quiet ; 
and the effect on him of my bucking up and doing 
anything on my own would be like taking a neuralgic 
patient to a Wagner concert. 

BouNSALL. That seems ver}^ unreasonable. 
Lady Rushmere. Reasonableness is an article 
that Lord Kinslow and sons don't sell. When I took 
over Bob there was a tacit understanding that I 
should keep my eyes shut, my ears shut, and my 
mouth shut. By so doing I obtained the ICinslow 
blessing and inclusion in all the family dinner parties. 



38 MR. FREED Y AND THE COUNTESS. [Act I; 

BouNSALL. Well, but it will not be easy for them 
to trace you to Hertfordshire, and you acted on my 
suggestion in communicating with your lawyer ? 

Lady Rushmere. Yes ; I said in my note all my 
letters were to be addressed here — care of Hamilton 
Preedy— just 9,3 you told me. 

BouNSALL. I thought that arrangement would be 
judicious, {going a little to r. helow table) 

(Preedy cotnes in with dish of sandiviclies.) 

Preedy. (c.) Here they are. I'm ashamed to 
have been so long, but the ham was a httle less abun- 
dant than I had hoped. 

Lady Rushmere. I think it's extraordinary good 
of you to bother, {rises) Is there anywhere where 
£ could rub the dust out of my eyes ? The last ten 
miles we had the car open, and I feel hke a sand-heap. 

BouNSALL. I've no doubt Preedy can arrange. 

(BouNSALL takes the sandwiches from Preedy.) 

Preedy. -Certainly! (crossing at back of settee 
to bedroom door) If Lady Rushmere will honour my 
sleeping apartment and overlook its shortcomings. 
(He opens door of bedrooyn) 

Lady Rushmere. Thanks, (turns at door) Keep 
-an eye on Mr. Bounsall while I'm gone, and don't let 
him eat all the sandwiches. 

(She goes into bedroom, D.ii. 1 E.) 
-(Preedy laughs boisterously. Bounsall checks him 

with " 'Sh ! \Sh ! " He immediately subsides and 
comes to c.) 



Act I.] MR. PKEEDY AND THE COUNTESS. 39 

BouNSALL. A charming woman, but of course her 
reference to the sandwiches was not intended seri- 
ously, and I think I'll take one. {takes one and 'places 
plate on table — he is above table) Oh, by the way, I 
wish you to imderstand that if or when any letters are 
directed here to Lady Eushmere, care of Hamilton 
Preedy — er — Esquire — you'll have the goodness to 
forward them on to the Hertfordshire address, which 
I will leave with you. 

Preedy. {going to table l.) Your speaking of 
letters reminds me that Smithson brought round a 
telegram addressed to you which arrived just before 
closing time. 

BouNSALL. Where is it ? {coming to chair l. of 
table) You might have mentioned it before. 

Preedy. Yes, I know ; but I've had rather a busy 
evening, and it slipped my memory. Here it is. 

BouNSALL. {takes telegram) That breakfast ham 
is rather salt. Is that our whisky ? {indicating 
whisky on sideboard) 

Preedy. Yes. 

BouNSALL. Ah ! I was afraid so. 

(BouNSALL opens telegra^n, reads it, stands transfixed. 
Passes his handkerchief across his forehead ; reads 
telegram again and sinks into chair l. of table.) 

BouNSALL. {faintly) Good Heavens ! this is 
appalling ! 

Preedy. No bad news, I hope, Mr. Bounsall ? 
BouNSALL. This telegram means the dislocation 



40 



MR. PREEDY AND TPIE COUNTESS. [Act 1. 



of all my immediate hopes. Man, you don't under- 

tliat is to say, it 



stand. This is from my godfather 

from his medical man 



His 



name ib 



isn't ; it's 
Pottinger. 

Freed Y. The medical man ? (l.c.) 

BouNSALL. No, no ! The doctor's name is Thur- 
low. (rising) What the devil does it matter what 
the doctor's name is ? He's over ninety. (Coming 
down R.c.) 

Preedy. Thurlow ? (doivn l.c.) 

BouNSALL. Pottinger ! You must be doing this; 
to annoy me. 

(Preedy makes deprecating gesture.) 

Do try to be serious ! Doctor Thurlow telegraphs 
tiiat the condition of old Mr. Pottinger's health is such 
that he cannot be expected to last many hours. 
j< Preedy. Dear, dear ! 

BouNSALL. What ? 

Preedy. I was merely expressing sympathy. 

BouNSALL. 'Sh ! 'Sh ! Oh ! Well, Mr. Pottin- 
ger is possessed of exceptional wealth : two lace 

factories — Sh ! 

(Preedy puts his hand forward, Bov^sall smacks it.) 
Don't interrupt ! — And a large estate near Notting- 
ham. Until a year ago it was understood I was to 
be his heir. He is without blood relations. But a 
coolness arose between us in reference to the daughter 
of his first wife — the step-daughter 

Preedy. Her step-daughter ? 



Act I.] MR, PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. 41 

BouNSALL. His step-daughter ; his fiist wife's 
second daughter by a former husband. For the love 
of Heaven, Preedy. don't try to be funny at a moment 
like this ! He was most anxious that we should 
marry. 

Preedy. You and the second daughter by the 
former husband ? 

BouNSALL. Yes. For diplomatic reasons I en- 
couraged the idea, but my intentions were never 
serious. It resulted in a breach between us which I 
regarded as irrevocable. However, at the eleventh 
hour 

(Preedy looks hastily at his tvatch.) 

Preedy. It's later than that, Mr. Bounsall. 

BouNSALL. Your habit of ill-timed buffoonery 
will be your ruin. In his last moments 

Preedy. Pottinger's last moments ? 

Bounsall. In Mr. Pottinger's last moments 
gentler counsels seem to have prevailed — (picks up 
telegram from table) and by the tone of this telegram 
from — er 

Preedy. Thurlow ? 

Bounsall. From Doctor Thurlow — there is no 
need for undue famiharity — the wire says, " Mr. 
Pottinger sinking — anxious to be reconciled — come 
at once." Now, what am I to do ? I may tell you 
in confidence that the purchase of my yacht, coupled 
with a most unremunerative racing season, has some- 
what crippled my resources ; and here is a relative — 
(going a little toivards R.) almost a relative — on the 



42 MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. [Act I. 

brink of dissolution, Svho is willing to ignore past 
differences and endow me with his very considerable 
fortune. Palpably and obviously my place is by his 
side, {at r. of table r.c.) 

Preedy. Yes, no doubt that is so. But for the 
moment my mind was dwelling on — on — Joanna, 
Countess of Rushmere. Isn't your place by her side ? 
(at L. of table r.c.) 

BouNSALL. In a matter seriously affecting my — 
our — future interests, / cannot think she would wish 
me to swerve from the path of duty, and I ^ 

(Lady Rushmere comes on from bedroom.) 

Ah ! — well, now, Lady Rushmere, I hope the effects 
of the journey are wearing off ? 

(Preedy goes up c.) 

Lady Rushmere, (crosses to chair l. of table r.c.) 
I feel a bit more human since I've had a brush up. 
Well, Mr. Preedy, has he left any sandwiches ? (she 
strolls over to table and sits) 

Preedy. (going hastily above her to top of table) 
Allow me, Joanna ! — Lady Rushmere 

Lady Rushmere. Oh, I see he's played hght (tak- 
ing one). Thanks ! If you want to do a really pious 
thing, you might give me a little soda-water. 

(Preedy goes hastily to syphon which is on sideboard 
R., brings soda-water to Lady Rushmere.) 

Preedy. Quite plain ? 

Lady Rushmere. Yes, soda unadorned ; there 
is gout on both sides of the family. 



Act I.] MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. 43 

(Preedy offers Lady Eushmere the soda-water.) 
Thanks ! Cheer up, Mr. Bounsall ; I shan't be long. 
Three bars rest — and then what ho ! for merry Hert- 
fordshire. 

(Preedy laughs boisterously ; Bounsall gives him a 
look ; he goes l.c.) 

Bounsall. Eh ? — Well — Hertfordshire — yes 

Lady Rushmere. It isn't that I'm personally 
yearning for Hertfordshire ; but that's the next item 
in the programme, isn't it ? 

Bounsall. Yes, it was — and in a sense will be ; 
but the fact is, Lady Eushmere (coming above table on 
Lady Rushmere's r.) Preedy has handed me a 
telegram — somewhat tardily — containing rather dis- 
quieting news, and some temforary postponement of 
our original plans may, I fear, be necessary. 
(Preedy commences fidgeting ivith things on table l.) 

Lady Rushmere. What's gone wrong ? Has 
your aunt lost the remainder of her sterling intellect ? 

Bounsall. No, not that. Information has sud- 
denly reached me of the approaching demise of a 
revered godfather. I deeply regret the occurrence 
on its own account, but especially just now. 

Lady Rushmere. Well, it does seem rather ill- 
timed, [putting glass on table) 

Bounsall. My godfather is a man of very ad- 
vanced age. {slightly annoyed at Preedy's fidgeting) 

Lady Rushmere. I suppose he would be. 

Bounsall. In fact, in a few years he would have 



44 MR. PREEDY AXD THE COUNTESS. [Act I. 

be6n a centenarian. Preedy, if you could check your 

tendency to restlessness, 

(Preedy at " centenarian " puUs drawer from table l., 

he drops it and contents are scattered with a clatter. 

After he is admonislied hj Bounsall, he replaces 

drawer and stands at hack of settee.) 
I should regard it as a personal obligation. He is an 
exceedingly wealthy man. 

Lady Rushmere. The godfather ? 

Bounsall. Yes, very wealthy indeed. He has 
summoned me to his bedside, and comphance almost 
assumes the proportions of a duty. Of course, the 
sender of the telegram, doctor — er 

Preedy. Pottlow. 

Bounsall. What ? 

Preedy. (who is behind the settee) Thurlow. 

Bounsall. Oh, yes, exactly. Doctor Thurlow — 
may have exaggerated the seriousness of the immedi- 
ate symptoms. You see the })osition ? 

Lady Rushmere. Whereabouts is your godfather's 
bedside situated ? 

Bounsall. Near Nottingham. 

Lady Rushmere. So far as I can remember, that 
isn't exactly round the corner. 

Bounsall. No. In my motor 1 could go there 
in a few hours, soothe his last moments, and get back 
some time to-morrow. 

Lady Rushmere. Oh ! Well, if the poor old 
chap wants you, you must trot along. 

(Bounsall gets coat and returns to c.) 



ActI-I Mil. PllKEDY AND THE COUNTESS. 45 

The only thing is— I hate to be a nuivsance — but to- 
night isn't to-morrow ; if there was any pal of mine 
in town I could collar hold of, it wouldn't matter; 
but I'm afraid there isn't. 

BouNSALL. Nothing is further from my intention 
than to desert the trust, the privilege, of securing 
your comfort at the present juncture, (c.) 

Lady Rushmehe. All right. Where had I better 
go ? Hotels won't do. The situation seems to point 
to one of the seats on the Embankment. 

Preedy. Good heavens, no, no ! . 

BouNSALL. Treedy! Preedy! As if I should 
peimit Lady Ruslmere to be seriously embarrassed ! 

(Preedy sits on settee.) 

My return from Nottingham will be immediate. It 
is merely a question of bridging over a few hours. 
You will have to remain here during the interval. 
(futtiiKj on motor-coat) 

Lady Rushmere. How do you mean remain 

here ? 

BouNSALL. Preedy will not object under the cir- 
cumstances to spending the remainder of the night 
at an hotel, and will be more than happy to place his 
flat at your ladyship's disposal. 

Preedy. (with a sicldij smile) Charmed ! 

BouNSALL. {taking up his hat) Then that is 
settled, (fetching caj) from chair) 

Lady Rushmere. Here, wait a minute ! I don't 
see how that arrangement is going to work. 



46 MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. [Act I. 

BouNSALL. Believe me, it will work admirably. 
Lady Rushmere. You're unloading me on Mr. 
Preedy for the night — but where does he come 
in? 

BouNSALL. He doesn't come in ; he will go out — 
to an hotel ; he will come in again to-morrow morn- 
ing, and place himself unreservedly at your disposal. 
Lady Rushmere. Yes — well, as I said before, I 
hate to be a nuisance ; but there are things one wants 
done for one. 

BouNSALL. Preedy will attend to everything. 
Lady Rushmere. I don't know how far the range 
of Mr. Preedy 's quahfications may extend, but I don't 
suppose he c ould do my hair. 

Preedy. {in a faint voice) Good Heavens! (l.c.) 
Lady Rushmere. You know you wouldn't let 
me bring a maid, 

BouNSALL. Preedy shall engage one for you early 
to-morrow morning. You'll see to that, Preedy ? 

Preedy. Yes — oh yes, certainly ! {makes pencil 
note on cuff) 

BouNSALL. By the way, your trunk. Preedy, go 
down and give my chauffeur a hand up with it. 
Preedy. Eh ? Oh, quite so ! 

{He go3s hastily into hall.) 

BouNSALL, 1 hope you understand the pain it 
causes me that even this momentary break in our 
plans has occurred. I feel that until you are safely 

housed under the protecting wing of my female 



Act I.] MR. FREED Y AND THE COUNTESS. 47 

relative, the moral reputation of both of us is, as it 
were, hanging in the balance. But meanwhile this 
flat will provide a temporary asylum, {crosses above 
tffhle to R.) 

Lady Rushmere. If this kind of thing goes on 
much longer, I shall want more than a temporary 
asylum. 

BouNSALL. I shall use every effort to compress 
my absence into a few hours' duration. You needn't 
hesitate to make every possible use of Preedy. 
(taking cigarettes from box and fiUi^ig his case) He is 
under great obligation to me, and I feel it is only kind 
to give him an opportunity of showing his gratitude. 

Lady Rushmere. You're doing it on rather a big 
scale. 

BouNSALL. {returning above table to c.) Preedy's 
limitations are obvious, {smelling a cigarette) but inside 
his modest sphere I'm sure you will find him well- 
meaning and most anxious to oblige. 

(Preedy and Chauffeur enter tvith trunk. Preedy 
bumps into Bounsall. Having deposited trunk, 
Chauffeur goes out.) 

Ah ! here is Preedy. Now, Preedy, in confiding 
Lady Rushmere to you, I am aware your responsi- 
bilities will be heavy. 

Preedy. I've brought up the box. (round above 
settee and doivn l.) 

Bounsall. I was not referring to that. You 
will regard her shghtest wish as a command. 



48 MR. FREED Y AND THE COUNTESS. [Act I. 

pREEDY. Exactly— certainly. As to my busi- 
ness duties to-morrow ? {at foot of settee) 

BouNSALL. Put everything on one side, {going 
to Preedy) You can arrange matters with Smith- 
son, but understand that until my return the seclu- 
sion of Lady Rushmere must be strictly maintained , 
and my name must never be referred to. That is my 
final word, {returns to Lady Rushmere. To 
Preedy) See what kind of a night it is. 

.(Preedy goes to ivindow.) 

And now, {turning to Lady Rushmere) a brief good- 
bye, {lowering his voice and taking Lady Rushmere's 
left hand hetiveen both of his) I hope you understand 
that my present errand of mercy involves financial 
considerations which will be to our ultimate mutual 
advantage ? 

Lady Rushmere. We can discuss all that later on. 
{withdrawing her hand) 

BouNSALL. Good night then, and good-bye unti 
to-morrow. 

Lady Rushmere. Good-bye ! 

BoUNSALL. Well, Preedy 

(Preedy comes doivn.) 

Preedy. It seems to be raining a little bit. 
BouNSALL. Really ? That's unfortunate. Fm 
going now. 

(Preedy makes movement.) 
]fo> you needn't accompany me. Attend to Lady 



ActL] MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. 4D 

Rushmere-and kindly observe all the directions I 
have given you. Good night ! 
(BouNSALL in backing up stage to door l.c, stumhles 
over travelling trunk ivhich has been left across door. 
He steps over it to door.) 
Preedy. Good night, Mr. Bounsall. 
(BouNSALL exits through hall.) 
{There is a second or two' s^ pause. Preedy comes 
hesitatinghj doum and stands timidly facing Lady 
RusHMERE. She turns and looks at him for a second 
or two.) 

Lady Rushmere. Well here we are. 
Preedy. Yes. I— of course, your ladyship, that 
is so ; it's very unfortunate that this interruption 
should have occurred. 

Lady Rushmere. I suppose you mean unfortu- 
nate for you? 

Preedy. Oh, not at all 1 I was thinking of your 

ladyship. 

Lady Rushmere. Well, speaking of myself, I say 
—won't you sit down and make yourself at home ? 

Preedy. [nervously) Thank you. (crosses above 
table to chair r. of table. He sits) 

Lady Rushmere. The Americans have an ck- 
pression that it isn't wise to bite of! more than you're 
able to chew. Mr. Bounsall has bitten me off, and I 
fancy I shall prove rather a big mouthful. You see, 
when a man starts bolting, he should know how to do 
it properly. 



60 MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. [Act I. 

Preedy. Yes ; I've always understood the care- 
ful mastication of food is a first essential in the avoid- 
ance of indigestion. 

Lady Rushmere. No. We're getting our illus- 
trations a little muddled. When I said " bolting " 
I meant eloping. 

Preedy. Eh ? Oh yes ! 

Lady Rushmere. You see, I've had a bit of 
experience in bolting 

Preedy. Oh, indeed ? 

Lady Rushmere. Years ago Rushmere and I 
bolted. 

Preedy. Oh, really ? 

Lady Rushmere. Yes. That was the late Lord 
Rushmere — the present man's uncle. Might I bother 
you for a cigarette ? 

Preedy. I beg j)ardon, your ladyship ? 

Lady Rushmere. Perhaps you don't smoke ? 

Preedy. Eh ? Oh yes, certainly ! These are 
Turkish — American ! \ [he offers cigarettes and 
matches) I hope you won't find them too strong. 

(Preedy lights match and holds it to cigarette ivhich 
Lady Rushmere takes and lights.) 

Lady Rushmere. Thanks ! Where wias I ? 

Preedy. I think you were eloping with the late 
Lord Rushmere. 

Lady Rushmere. Yes. Well, he didn't treat the 
thing as if it were an oratorio. We nipped over to 
Paris, fixed up the marriage ceremony before lunch, 
and then travelled through to Monte Carlo and had 



Act I.] MR. PREEDY AND THE C0UNTES8. 61 

quite a giddy time-^though there was something 
wrong with his system. 

Preedy. His nervous system ? 

Lady Kushmere. No ; his system at the tables. 

Preedy. (bewildered) Oh ! 

Lady Rushmere. That was how Rushmere did 
things. But then he was a practical man. Now 
you're intimate with Mr. Bounsall, so I needn't hold 
my cards up. The fact is, I'm a bit doubtful whether 
bolting is quite his line of business. , 

Preedy. He seemed anxious to take every pre- 
caution on your ladyship's behalf. 
> Lady Rushmere. I suppose you mean the aunt in 
Hertfordshire ? Yes ; but I don't know that I've 
much use for anybody's aufit. > ■■■i 

Preedy. She is, I beUeve, an eminently respect- 
able lady of advanced age. 

Lady Rushmere. Any aunt of Mr. ' Bounsall's 
would be both. 

Preedy. Well, you see, Lady Rushmere, doubt- 
less Mr. Bounsall being a moral man- — ■— 

Lady Rushmere. Oh yes, of course, he's a moral 
man ; he was born so and can't help it. — But he 
might have the decency to keep it to himself. Leaving 
his aunt out of sight for a minute, there's his god- 
father — another instance of remarkable longevity, — I 
certainly didn't expect to have a godfather sprung 
upon me in the middle of the. night in this way. I'm 
generally pretty easy- tempered, but it isn't cricket; 
if it comes to that, it isn't ping-pong ! 



52 MR. FREED Y AND THE COUNTESS. [Act J. 

pREEDY. I believe there has been a little friction, 
between Mr. Bounsall and Mr. Pottinger. 

Lady Rushmere. Is Pottinger the godfather ? 

Preedy. Yes, your ladyship. 

Lady Rushmere. Oh ? Well, there's nothing in 
that. All nriy relatives by both my marriages have 
a knack of rubbing me up with sandpaper. For any- 
thing in the friction line I should be wilUng to back 
old Kinslow against all comers. 

Preedy. Lord Kinslow ? 

Lady Rushmere. Yes, my present husband's 
father. He's a fearful old waster. But we won't 
talk about him, or I might dream of him, and I 
shouldn't like that at all. (putting cigarette in ash- 
tray) By the way, as I've done a bit of traveUing 
to-day, I feel rather played out. When would it be 
convenient for me to go to bed ? 

Preedy. Oh, at once. Lady Rushmere. [rising 
and coming c. above table) Immediately, of course. 

Lady Rushmere. Thanks. Whereabouts is the 
bed ? {rises, takes a step to R. a7id then turns) 

Preedy. I'm afraid there is only one sleeping 
Apartment: 

Lady Rushmere. The one I sampled just now ? 

Preedy. Yes. Of course it's a bachelor's bed- 
room, and .a bachelor's bed ; both a little restricted 
as to size — especially the bed. 

Lady Rushmere. Well, I must pack away a^ 
much of myself in it as I can. 

Preedy. The bed is small {ivith a look at Lady 



Act I.] MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. 6J 

Rushmere's height). Fortunately, by a special inter- 
vention of Providence, to-day is Monday and there 
are clean sheets. 

Lady Rushmere. You mustn't spoil me. You 
know it's a deadly shame to send you floating ofE to 
an hotel at this time of night. 

Preedy. Oh, please, Lady Rushmere, don't 
consider me. I'm only worried as to your discomfort. 

Lady Rushmere. You're quite a nice, kind Uttle 
man. (qoes away from him to below table ; turns and 
looks at trunk) I'm wondering whether it will be 
possible to get that box of mine into the bedroom. 

Preedy. Oh, ^certainly, your ladyship ! I'll 
carry it in. 

Lady Rushmere. Thanks. 

(Preedy goes over to box and prqceeds to struggle with 
it. She strolls round between -fire- f lace and table to> 
r.c. and ivatches his e§orts. He has great difficultly 
in raising it. He eventually lifts it on his shoulders 
and staggers to settee, on which he falls.) 

Lady Rushmere. I was afraid you'd find it a bit 
heavy. 

Preedy. Oh no ! I can manage it nicely, {he 
tries to get it on to his shoulders again) 

Lady Rushmere. Let me give you a hand up. 
(she helps him up with box) 

Preedy. {during business) Very kind of you. ' 

(He staggers off into bedroom ivith box. Noise off of 

falling box.) 



54 MR. PRBEDY AND THE COUNTESS. [Act! 

Preedy. {returning instantly, much out of breath) 
That's all right ! 

Lady Rushmere. Thanks ! 

Preedy. (siiddenh/ remembering) Oh, excuse me 
one moment ! My overcoat and hat and a few other 
little things of mine are in the bedroom. I'll fetch 
them, if you don't mind. 

(Lady Rushmere strolls to ivindow and picks up 
• ' her doak. Preedy" liastilij goes and returns with 

his opera hat on and bringing overcoat and small 

hag ; also pyjamas in bundle under his army ivhich 

fie places on tJie settee.) 
Now, your ladyship, I won't keep you any longer from 
your rest. I beg your pardon ! {takes off his hat, 
puts it on settee) 

Lady Rushmere. You needn't be anxious. After 
five hours' motoring with Mr. Bounsall I could sleep 
on a tram-line. Good night, (she nods to him 
pleasantly and crosses towards door l. i. e.) 

Preedy. Goodnight! Oh — just one point ! Mr. 
Bounsall, mentioned that you'd want a maid, (doum 
L. c.) 

Lady Rushmere. Yes, I'm afraid I shall, (re- 
turning a step or two towards him) 

Preedy. Quite so. On my way back here in the 
morning, I'll call at the Registry Office and order one 
to be sent at once. 

[She nods thoughtfully.) 
(Curtain ivarning.) 
[b there anything else that I could do ? 



1 



Act I.J MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. 55 

Lady E-ushmere. Well, it's just occurred to me ; 
1 came away in a bit of a hurry and my hat-box seems 
to have been left behind. Perhaps while you're on 
the war-path to-morrow, you wouldn't mind calling 
at Pascarel's ? 

Preedy. Pascarel's ? [taking out pencil) 

Lady Rushmere. The milUner's — ^just off Bond 
Street. 

Preedy. [ivritimj on cuff) Pascarel's — lady's maid 
— just off Bond Street. 

Lady Rushmere. The lady's maid isn't just off 
Bond Street. 

Preedy. Oh no ! I'm only making a few not©«. 
I quite understand. 

Lady Rushmere. {strolling towards door) You 
might tell 'em to send me round a few to choose 
from. Of course they'd know me at Pascarel's, but 
as things are, I suppose it wouldn't do to mention my 
name. 

Preedy. Oh no ! not for the wealth of the uni- 
verse. 

Lady Rushmere. I think we might chance it on 
those terms ; but if you say they're for a relative — 
don't make it your aunt, or else they'd send the wrong 
kind of hat. Good night. 

Preedy. Good night, Lady Rushmere. Oh ! 

[She pauses at door.) 

May I venture to beg that you'll keep your door 
locked until you hear my voice in the morning ? 



56 MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. [Act I 

Lady Rushmere. Yes. 

Preedy. My man will probably bring you my 
shaving water at eight thirty. He may be a little 
persistent, but don't answer him. 

Lady Rushmere. I won't. Goodnight! (Preedy 
puts on his coat.) 

{She goes into bedroom and shuts door.) 

{He moves about thoughtfully for a minute or two. 
Murmurs : " Oh, money ! " Goes to desk and gets 
out money. He then proceeds to pack his bag which 
is on settee, and unfolds his pyjamas preparatory 
to re- folding them for that purpose.) 

Preedy. That's all right ! 

(Lady Rushmere conies out.) 

Lady Rushmere. Mr. Preedy ! 

Preedy. Grood Heavens ! {he puts pyjamas he- 
hind him and sits on them) 

Lady Rushmere. Fancy I left my bag here. 
(crossing to table r.c. above settee) Hope I'm not 
disturbing you ? 

Preedy. Not at all — not in the least ! I was 
only packing my — er — my unimportant essentials for 
the night. Shall I assist you ? 

{He rises and puis pyjamas under the back of his evening 
dress coat. She has crossed to table.) 
Lady Rushmere. {taking bag off table) No, it's 
all right. I've got it. {crossing to bedroom in front 
of settee) Good night. 



Act I.] MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. 67 

Preedy. Oh, Lady Rushmere 



Lady Rushmere. {pausing) Yes ? {at bedroom 
door) 
Preedy. One moment ! Er — breakfast ? 

{War 71 rain). 

Lady Rushmere. I'm not a great hand at break- 
fast. 

Preedy. Fish ? Fried bacon ? Eggs ? Cold 
ham ? — No — I'm afraid the sandwiches have with- 
drawn the cold ham from the menu. 

Lady Rushmere. Oh ! well — perhaps an egg. 

Preedy. {writing on cuff) Perhaps an egg — fried ? 
poached ? 

Lady Rushmere. Boiled ! 

Preedy. Boiled, {writes) Thanks. Good night. 
Great Heaven ! I was forgetting ! Tea or coffee ? 

Lady Rushmere. Cof!ee. Good night. 

Preedy. Coffee. Good night, {writes) 

{Rain gently. Stand by for lights.) 

{She goes into room.) 

(He stands reading his cuff) Pascarel's — lady's maid, 
just off Bond Street — perhaps an egg — boiled coffee. 
(he goes up and puts on his coat, turns up the edge of 
his trousers, picks up his hat) 

(Rain.) 
(Key is heard turning in the lock of bedroom door. He 
pauses a moment, but cannot think of anything else. 
He then puts his hat on and goes up.) 



58 



MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. [Act I. 



{Rain is heard falling heavily.) 
Preedy. Pouring in torrents ! 

(He opens door leading into hall, returns and extin- 
guishes electric light of the room, pressing switch on 
R. of hall door. He goes out into hall, which is still 
lighted. As he disappears, lights off in hall.) 
(He goes out, leaving door leading into hall open.) 

{Door is heard to slam off l. Curtain descends on 
stage in total darkness excepting for slight glimmer 
through window as from street lamp heloiv.) 



Curtain. 



ACT II 

Scene. — Same. Next morning. The large blind is 
up. All things removed from table r.c, which has 
now a cover. On table ash-tray and fresh copy of 
the " Daily Telegraph.'' 

{As curtain rises Bilson is at bedroom door — there is a 
small can of hot water outside. Bilson pauses 
and knocks at door — he pauses and after a second or 
two knocks again.) 

Bilson. It's nine thirty — (pause) it's nine thirty — 
No, I'm wrong — it's nine thirty-five. 

(Outer bell rings.) 

(gets his coat from chair tip c, puts it 07i) Look here, 
don't say as it's my fault, (going up above settee to hall 
door) because I've called you twice, (he moves a 
few steps up towards back) Now I come to think of it 
I've called you three times. 

(He goes out into hall and admits Mr. Sidgrave.) 
SiDGRAVE. (speaking at back) I suppose Mr. Preedy 

hasn't left for the City yet ? (coming down r.c. and 

placing hat on chair l. of table r.c.) 
Bilson. He hasn't left because he isn't up. (l.c.) 



60 MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. [Act II. 

SiDGRAVE. Not up yet ? 

BiLSON. No, there's his shaving water — I can't 
wake him — you can have a try if you like, {goes on 
putting mantelshelf in order) 

SiDGRAVE. Dear me ! {crossing to bedroom door) 
I suppose he isn't often as late as this ? 

BiLSON. He's pretty early as a rule — has to be. 

(SiDGRAVE knocks — first gently — tJien louder.) 
SiDGRAVE. Hamilton — Hamilton ! {slight pause) 
Very singular — I notice the door is locked, {trying 
handle of door) Do you think he can be unwell ? 
BiLSON. Well, 1 shouldn't be surprised, {down 

B.C.) 

SiDGRAVE. Why ? {going to Bilson) 

BiLSON. Cook says he must have got up in the 
night and finished the breakfast ham. 

SiDGRAVE. Really ! At the same time a late 
supper, though an injudicious thing in itself, seldom 
produces insensibility. Do you think we ought to 
Bend for a doctor — or burst open the door — or — or 
anything of that kind. 

BiLSON. If you Hke. 

SiDGRAVE. I've not had much expe'rience of 
bursting open doors — but if you will put your shoulder 
to it — 1 shall be happy to lend a little amateur assist- 
ance. 

(BiLSON crosses to door and puts his shoulder to it — 

SiDGRAVE leans against Bilson.) 
Now, then — Well, do you feel anything ? 



Act II.] MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. 61 

BiLSON. I can feel that I ain't comfortable. 

SiDGRAVE. Oh, nonsense, my good man — (getting 
a little away from, Bilson) this is not a moment for 
personal considerations of that sort — let us try again. 

{They renew their efforts.) 

Well ? 

Bilson. I think my ribs is giving way. 
SiDGRAVE. It's in a good cause. 

(Freed Y enters from hall. He is wearing his hat and 
overcoat witJi collar turned Uf.) 
Preedv. {seeing them) Here, hi ! For the love of 
Heaven don't do that — come away from that door. 

(They recoil much startled. Freed y comes down c.) 

SiDGRAVE. My dear Hamilton ! {going to him) 

Freedy. Good morning, Mr. Sidgrave. {shaking 
hands with him) 

SiDGRAVE. Good morning, my dear fellow — your 
appearance rather startled me. 

Freedy. Did it ? Why ? 

SiDGRAVE. Well, as 1 was, not unnaturally, under 
the impression that you were still wrapt in slumber — 
in your bedroom, your arrival from an entirely differ- 
ent quarter was for the moment bewildering. 

Freedy. Yes — I — I've been out. {crossing Sid- 
grave to L.) 

{During this Bilson has been leaning exhaustedly 

against the door.) 
Move away from that door, Bilson. What are you 



62 MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. [Act II. 

doing there ? There's no neecj for you to be there. 

BiLSON. I'm feeling faint. 

Preedy. Then go and faint in the pantry — you 
can't faint there. 

(BiLSON takes uf shaving -jug, moves aivay wp stage 
between settee and table l. Preedy goes over to 
door L. and listens.) 

Sidgrave. You forsook your bed early. 

Preedy. I was compelled to forsake it — to tell 
you the truth I didn't occupy it at all last night — I — 
I— couldn't. 

Sidgrave. How was that ? 

Preedy. You see— after the occurrence of last 
evening my mind wasn't in a condition to 

Sidgrave. Ah yes, I understand — very romantic. 
(by table r.c.) 

BiLSON. How about breakfast ? {above top end 
of settee) 

Preedy. I'll attend to that later — you needn't 
wait, (c.) 

BiLSON. {going) You haven't left any of the ham. 

Preedy. When I want you I'll ring. 

{During the folloiving dialogue Preedy is constantly 
wandering towards bedroom door, Sidgrave always 
folloiving him and Preedy gently pushing him 
away.) 

(BiLSON goes out into pantry.) 
Sidgrave. As the fortunate husband of a devoted 
wife I can be lenient to the eccentricities of love — 



i 



Act II.] MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. 63 

from what your man says I infer that finding yourself 
unable to sleep you had a little cold ham and went 
for an early stroll. 

Preedy. Yes, I felt I wanted to think about 
Emma quietly somewhere — so I walked to Hamp- 
stead — it rained most of the time, {edging towards 
door) 

SiDGRAVE. Ah well, there's nothing half so sweet 
in life — I called round to speak to you about our 
programme for to-day. 

Preedy. Yes (he comes nearer to Sidgrave, 

but his attention is still divided) 
Sidgrave. The merry little jaunts we had sketched 

out 

Preedy. Yes — delightful, {he moves nearer to 
hedroo7n door again) 

Sidgrave. I was about to say (following him 
slightly) that our visit to the Imperial Institute and 
the Natural History Museum must be postponed to. 
some future occasion. 

(Ready for noise off l. i. e.) 
Preedy. Must it ? (going l., Sidgrave following) 
Sidgrave. Yes — my wife's sister-in-law, Mrs. 
Bagot, has suddenly become indisposed . . . 

(Preedy indicates deep sympathy.) 
— temperature a hundred and two — and so forth — 
they're quite distinguished people, live in a turning 
just off Clarges Street, so naturally Mrs. Sidgrave 
responded to the call that summoned her to the sick 



64 MR. TREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. [Act II; 

room — I myself have a couple of business appoint- 
ments this morning, so I thought I'd just look in and 
let you know. 

Preedy. Most kind — most kind. (Preedy is 
close against door) 

SiDGRAVE. Emma 

Preedy. Ah yes — [comes to Sidgrave) dear 
Emma — how is Emma ? 

Sidgrave. Oh, wonderfully well. 

Preedy\ Ah, that's a good thing. 

Sidgrave. She has gone at my suggestion to 
make an exhaustive study of the Albert Memorial. 

Preedy. Splendid ! 

Sidgrave. By the way, it just occurred to me — I 
hope I'm not making you late for the City ? 

Preedy. No — oh no ! 

Sidgrave. You're sure ? Because I . . . 

(There is a sound of something falling in the bedroom.) 

What was that ? 
Preedy. What was what ? 

(Door bell ready.) 

Sidgrave. Surely I heard a noise in your bed- 
room, (moving as if going to bedroom) 

Preedy. I — I don't think so. [restraining him) 

Sidgrave. My dear Hamilton, I'm convinced of 
it — it sounded as if some heavy article of furniture 
had been overturned ; is there any one in there ? 

Preedy. Oh no — no one — I assure you, no one 



Act II.] MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. 55 

at all ; any little noise you heard mast have been the 
canary 

SiDGRAVE. The canary ? [doivn c.) 

Preedy. (l.c.) Yes, slamming to the door of his 
cage ; he may have caught sight of the cat over the 
way — he's a quick-tempered bird. 

SiDGRAVE. Shall we ascertain [making move- 
ment) 

[Outer hell rings.) 

(Preedy stops Sidgrave ; they go up stage to r. of 
hall door — Sidgrave r.c, Preedy c.) 

Preedy. No, I don't think we will. I feel it's 
selfish of me to detain you [taki^ig him by the left 
arm and leading him up) while you're so worried 
about poor Mrs. Maggot. 

Sidgrave. Bagot ! 

Preedy. Bagot. 

Sidgrave. Ah well, good-bye ; you might call 
round at the hotel in the course of the afternoon. 
[picking up hat) 

(BiLSON enters from hall.) 

Preedy. If T can possibly manage it, 1 will. 
Good-bye. 

[They are shaking hands.) 
BiLSON. Harriet Budgen [at left of door) 

(Sidgrave and Preedy move apart.) 
Preedy. Harriet Budgen? 



66 MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. [Act II. 

BiLSON. From the Registry Office — to see you 
immediate. (Jie stands on one side) 

(Harriet passes him into the room ; Bilson goes 
out into pantry.) •'^^'^■ 

Preedy. Eh ? Oh yes — will you sit down — I'll 
attend to you in a moment. 

Harriet. I was told not to lose time, {coming 
down to settee. Sits as Preedy indicates settee) 

Preedy. No — we won't lose time, (he hurries 
over to Sidgrave ivho is up r.c. and says aside) She's 
a young protegee of Mr. Bounsall's — it's a matter of 
charity — she's an orphan. 

Sidgrave. Ah, indeed. 

Preedy. Oh yes — seven brothers and sisters — 
her father fell down a mine. 

Sidgrave. Dear ! dear ! 

Preedy. Mr. Bounsall's very worried about it — 
her grandmother was his father's housekeeper. 

Sidgrave. Very creditable to Mr. Bounsall. 
Well, I mustn't delay — but I should just Hke to say 
one word to the young person, (crossing to l.c.) 

Preedy. I don't think 1 would — she's easily 
upset. 

Sidgrave. You can depend on my discretion. 
(to her) My good girl — I'm very sorry for you. 

Harriet. Are you ? 

Sidgrave. I am indeed ; I should hke to put a 
question to you — was your father a mason ? 

Harriet. No ; he was a corn chandler. 



Act II.] MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. 67 

SiDGRAVE (turning to Preedy, ivho is by chair l. of 
table) Then what was he doing down a mine ? 
Preedy. It was one Bank Holiday. 

{They go together towards hall door.) 

SiDGRAVE. Ah yes — people's spirits get the bettex 
of them on those occasions. Good-bye till we meet 
again. 

Preedy. (shaking hands ivith him) Good-bye. 

(SiDGRAVE goes out.) 

(Preedy looks at Harriet uneasily for a moment^ 
removes his overcoat and places it on window-^eat, 
places hat on table l., then pulls himself together, 
crosses R.c, assumes an air of dignity, and seeds 
himself l. of table, r.c.) 

You've come from the Registry Office ? 

Harriet. Yes, sir. (rising) I was told you re- 
quired a lady's maid at once. 

Preedy. That is so; are you thoroughly experi- 
enced ? 

Harriet. Yes, sir. 

Preedy. Good character ? 

Harriet. I was three years in my last situation— 
and left of my own accord. 

Preedy. Ah — good character during the past 
three years — ^just so. 

Harriet, (she produces letter and hands it to hrn) 
That's my reference from the Honourable Mrs. 
Desborough. 



08 M?.. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. [Act IJ. 

Freed Y. (talcing it) Ah — yes — (flitting on pince- 
nez and glancing at it) Yes — I see — I see. (he hands 
her letter) 

(She returns to settee). 

I gather from this that you are fully capable of dis- 
charging all the duties of a lady's maid. 

Harriet. Yes, sir. (sits) 

Preedy. Wages ? 

Harriet. Thirty — including beer — I don't take 
beer. 

Preedy. Thirty pounds — including beer — and 
you could come to us at once ? 

Harriet. Yes, sir, if your wife requires me. 
(pause) 

Preedy. Wife — wife — ah yes ! — the lady is not 
my wife, she's — oh no ! — she's not my wife. 

Harriet. Sister ? 

Preedy. No — not my sister — not exactly. 

Harriet. Aunt or mother ? 

Preedy. Not altogether. 

Harriet. Grandmother ? 

Preedy. No, certainly — not grandmother. 

(Harriet gives him one searching glance.) 

She's not — we're not exactly related — she's married— 
about to be married — may be married to a friend of 
mine — he was unavoidably called away. 

Harriet. Yes, sir. 

Preedy. And prior to his return she has done me 
the honour to accept my hospitahty. 



Act II.] MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. 69 

Harriet. Oh, indeed, sir. (another look, with a 
raising of the eyebrows) 

pREEDY. She left hastily the place — she — she 
came away from — and didn't bring her maid with her. 

Harriet. No, sir ? 

Preedy. No ; at the present moment she's in 
that room — my bedroom — and until you go to her I 
doubt if she can manage to get up — you under- 
stand the position. 

Harriet. Yes, sir, I quite understand the posi- 
tion. 

Preedy. Then we can consider the matter 
settled ? 

Harriet. I beg pardon, sir — wages ? (Harriet 
rises) 

Preedy. Oh, we arranged — thirty pounds — in- 
cluding beer, 

Harriet. Forty ! 

Preedy. (rises) Forty ! 

Harriet. Yes, sir ; if the lady I'm to v?ait upon 
isn't your wife, nor your sister, nor your aunt, nor 
your mother, nor your grandmother, I should 
require forty. 

Preedy. You know, I feel certain that you 
don't understand. 

Harriet. Thank you, sir, I feel certain that 1 do 
— your friend as was here when I came said he was 
sorry for me. 

Preedy. He's a poor law inspector — that was 
force of habit. 



70 MK. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. [Act II. 

Harriet. That's as may be ; I've seen a good bit 
of the world — here and there — when a girl's been a 
lady's maid in the best families she's bound to ; other 
people's business is their business — and none of mine 
—but I couldn't take less than forty. 

Preedy. Ah well then, we'll say forty, includ- 
ihg beer. 

Harriet. No, sir, not including beer. 

Preedy. It seems to me, Harriet Budgen, you're 
becoming extortionate ; you allowed the admission 
to escape you that you don't take beer. 

Harriet. I don't generally, but in some places 
one feels to want it — I think this is one of them. 

Preedy. (rather desperately) Well, I won't haggle. 
[going a little to r. Looking at his ivatch) I can't — I 
don't know if you reaUze that in that room there is 
an unhappy lady, who, thanks to you, is practica-lly 
* bedridden — you shall have forty pounds per annum — 
and beer — in moderation, {returning to c.) 

Harriet. Thank you, sir. 

Preedy. Now we'd better begin as we mean to 
g6 on. 

Harriet. Yes, sir. Could I go somewhere and 
take of! my hat and coat ? 

Preedy. Certainly, {going above table to fire- 
place) {ringing bell. Returning to R.c. above table) 
Oh — er — by the way — the lady you are to wait upon 
is very distinguished — you'll have the goodness to 
address her as " my lady." 

Harriet. Oh, indeed, sir. 



Act II.] MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. 71 

Preedy. Yes, I suppose youVe no objection to 
that ? 

Harriet. No, sir. 

Preedy. You don't require any further rise of 
salary for the moment ? 

(BiLSON enters from fantry.) 

Harriet. Oh no, sir ? [moving a little to the l.) 

Preedy. That's a comfort. Bilson, I've engaged 
this young person, (r.c.) 

Bilson. What for ? (c.) 

Preedy. Never mind what for — that's my affair — 
she will take her things off at once in the pantry. 

Bilson. What ! 

Preedy. She will take off her hat and coat in the 
pantry — why not ? Show her the way to it. 

Bilson. Oh! (^o Harriet) Through that door. 
{points to pantry) y.^ 

(Harriet goes out between settee and table l.) 
(to Preedy) How about your breakfast ? 

Preedy. Don't worry me about breakfast — I 
have breakfasted. 

Bilson. (going) Very good. 

Preedy. Here, wait a minute — I think my brain 
is giving — of course I shall want breakfast. 

Bilson. But you said you had breakfasted. 

Preedy. I suppose I can breakfast as often as I 
please, (pulling down cuff) T shall require coffee and 
Pascarels. 

Bilson. What ? 



72 MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. [Act II. 

Preedy. And perhaps a boiled e^g. 
BiLSON. Perhaps a boiled egg ? . 
Preedy. No — not perhaps — under any circum- 
atances — an egg — boiled — inevitably boiled. 

(BiLSON goes out into pantry.) 

{goes over to hedroom door) Lady Rushmere ! [pause) 
Lady Rushmere ! 

Lady Rushmere. (speaking through) Hullo ! 

Preedy. It's to-morrow morning — and I've en- 
gaged a lady's maid. I beg pardon, I didn't quite 
catch what you said. Oh, yes, I think she's com- 
petent — she ought to be judging by the salar3^ Eh ? 
Managed by yourself ? Oh, don't tell me that. 

(BiLSON enters — comes down c.) 

I'm quite ashamed you should have managed by 
yourself, (stooping icitli ear close to keyhole) 

BiLSON. Mr. Preedy. (c.) 

Preedy. (to Lady Rushmere) Yes, certainly — 
I've ordered breakfast. . . . Cofi'ee and perhaps an 
egg boiled and 

BiLSON, Mr. Preedy. 

Preedy. (looking over his shoulder) What is it ? 

BiLSON. I should wish things to be placed on a 
proper footing. 

Preedy. What do you mean ? (going slightly 
towards him) 

BiLSON. What I mean is this — you've added to 
your staff of domestics without a word to me — and I 



Act II.] MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. 73 

should wish to make sure that this young person's 
dooties and my dooties are not going to clash. 

Preedy. You are supposing an impossible case ; 
the young person has been engaged to take over cer- 
tain responsibilities in the household which you are 
not competent to discharge. 

BiLSON. Oh, Fm not competent. 

Preedy. Not competent to — to do what will now 
be required — not for to-day ? 

BiLSON. Then she's engaged for the day ? 

Preedy. No, she isn't — it'll depend on — whether 
she gives satisfaction, (he again hovers round door) 

BiLSON. 1 tell you what it is, Mr. Preedy, sir — 
things in this fiat are beginning to look a bit peculiar ; 
when young girls are brought into the place without 
rhyme or reason, and the gentleman stands muttering 
to himself with 'is 'ead jammed up against 'is own 
bedroom door, it is about time for a keeper to be 
engaged — [going R.) engaged permanent. 
(Harriet comes on.) 

Harriet. I'm ready now, sir. (coming c.) 

Preedy. (to her) Oh, there you are. (l.c.) 
That's all right— one moment, (he goes to bedroom 
door and knocks) Lady — Lady — your ladyship. 

Lady Rushmere. (s'peaking through door) Yes. 
(When BiLSON hears Lady Eushmere's voice he 

turns and gazes at bedroom door with a look of blank 

astonishment.) 

Preedy. Your maid is ready to enter on her 
duties. 



74 MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. [Act II. 

(Unlocks door l. i. e.) 
Lady Rushmere. Very good — send her along. 
pREEDY. [to Harriet) Step this way, if you 
please. 

(Harriet goes into bedroom.) 

(During all this Bilson has surveyed them ivith great 
astonishment. He and Preedy look at one another 
for a inoment.) 

Well now, I suppose I shall have to explain matters 
to you — it really seems inevitable. 

Bilson. If you please, sir. 

Preedy. You w^ere a waiter for five years in a 
West End restaurant ? 

Bilson. What of it ? 

Preedy. Why — you must have had opportunities 
of noticing that a man is sometimes the victim of 
circumstances. 

Bilson. All this pints straight to 'Anwell. 

Preedy. That room — my bedroom — is at the 
present moment occupied by — a lady. 

Bilson. Another of 'em ? (giving a searching 
look at Preedy) 

Preedy. What do you mean by that ? The 
young person — whose name, by the way, is Harriet 
Budgen — has been engaged to wait upon the lady 
during such time as she honours my flat with her 
presence. 

Bilson. Oh ! 



Act IT.] MR, PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. 75 

Preedy. She is shortly to be married to an inti- 
mate friend of mine. 

(Telephone hell rings.) 

BiLSON. Harriet Budgen ! 

Preedy. Certainly not — the lady — who is in 
there. My friend, for reasons into which I do not 
intend to enter, has temporarily gone away, and left 
her to me, 

{Slight pause.) 

BiLSON. Mr. Preedy, sir, I've always tried to keep 
myself respectable — I should wish to leave this day 
month. 

Preedy. You wish to leave ? 

BiLSON. This day month. 

Preedy. Very good — there will still be sufficient 
margin of time for you to get breakfast — go and get 
it. {going l. a little) 

(BiLSON goes out into pantry.) 
{Telephone sounds.) 
The thing for me to do is to hold on to my reason as 
long as I can ; ah ! the telephone ! 

{Bell rings again.) 
{speaking doivn telephone) Hullo ! hullo ! who is 
it ? I seem to be listening to the entire traffic of the 
City. Who is it ? Oh — Smithson ! Well, when am 
I coming down to the Emporium ? I couldn't say 
to an hour or two — what ? Very inconvenient — 
why ? Johnson and Lickfold want to renew con- 



76 MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. [Act IT. 

tract. I can't attend to them now. TcII 'em I've 
got the " flu " and that I shall be infectious till the 
day after to-morrow. Good-bve. {replaces receiver) 

(BiLSON comes on bringing in hreakjast ; Preedy 

looks round.) 

BiLSON. Breakfast, (speaking as lie crosses to 
table R.c. Removes coffee-pot to r. of tray) 

Preedy. Oh — ah yes — coffee ? {crossing to head 
of table y with Bilson on his r.) 

BiLSON. Coffee, {crossing above Preedy to c.) 

Preedy. And — er — the egg. {picks up the egg 
in egg-cup) Is it a reliable egg ? An egg that will 
justify confidence ? 

Bilson. I didn't buy it, and I didn't lay it. 
(going l.) 

Preedy. That's understood. 

(Bilson is going.) 

One moment — if we find that the egg is not sufficiently 
recent, cook must be prepared to instantly boil 
another — relays of eggs if necessary. 

Bilson. Anything else ? 

Preedy. Not at present. 

(Bilson goes off into pantry.) 

(Preedy goes over to bedroom door — knocks.) 

Preedy. Your ladyship. 
Lady Rushmere. {speaking through) Yes. 
Preedy. There isn't any hurry — but breakfast is 
ready. 



Act 11. ] yiil. PKEEDY AND THE COUKTESS. 77 

Lady Rushmere. Quite riglit — I'll come. 

( Freed Y returns to top of table and does a Utile business , 

during which Lady Rushmere comes on in morning 

dress.) 

Lady Rushmere. Morning. 

Preedy. Good morning, Lady Rushmere — I hope 
— I sincerely hope you passed a good night, (going 
to R. of table above chair R.) 

Lady Rushmere. Thanks — I've known worse. 
{crossing to top of table) 

Preedy. (ivith a smile) Ah ! 

Lady Rushmere. Perhaps not many ! 

Preedy. (depressed) Oh ! 

(She sits at top of table.) 

The bed ? 

Lady Rushmere. The bed ? 

Preedy. I feared it ; you found it rather re- 
stricted ? 

Lady Rushmere. Yes, there wasn't much scope — 
it's all right, I got through. How did you get on ? 

Preedy. Oh, thank you. Lady Rushmere — I saw 
to myself. 

Lady Rushmere. One often does at an hotel. 

Preedy. (pouring out coffee) Coffee — hot milk ? 

Lady Rushmere. Thanks. 

Preedy. Sugar ? 

Lady Rushmere. Please. 

Preedy. (he hands cup to her) And — now — er — 
the egg (hands egg to her). Of course, we're not in the 



78 MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. [Act 11. 

country, and if you should find it tke least bit too — 
too metropolitan — don't hesitate to say so. 

Lady Rushmere. {tasting it) Oh no — it's very 
nice. 

Preedy. You're sure ? 

Lady Rushmere. I am really — it's quite a com- 
petent egg. 

Preedy. That takes a weight off my mind, (sits 
R. of table) 

Lady Rushmere. I suppose you^ve breakfasted ? 

Preedy. Thank you, yes — I was up very early — 
they weren't very obliging at the hotel, so I had a 
little something in a cabman's shelter. By the way, 
I hope you find Harriet Budgen satisfactory ? 

Lady Rushmere. Oh, I think so — she's fairly 
experienced — she seems to have rather misread the 
present position. 

(Preedy gradually realizing her meaning looks 
deeply distressed.) 

Preedy. (hesitatingly). Oh — yes. 

Lady Rushmere. Don't take it to heart — I'm 
afraid it was inevitable ; after all, our backs are broad 
— at any rate, mine is ; we shall be able to get your 
moral character out of pawn in the course of an hour 
or two — you'll be your own man again, and I shall be 
in Hertfordshire. I wish I could change with you. 

Preedy. I hope. Lady Rushmere, Harriet Budgen 
has not been disrespectful. 

Lady Rushmere. Oh, not a bit — I saw to that. 



Act II.] MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. ^9 

I suppose that light-liearted sportsman, Mr. Bounsall, 
hasn't sent a wire ? 
Preedy. Not yet ? 

Lady Rushmere. Nor telephoned ? 

Preedy. No. 

Lady Rushmere. Ah, still busy soothing his god- 
father ? Now if I wanted soothing, I can't imagine 
myself selecting Mr. Bounsall to do it. You see, as I 
told you last night, he's hardly the kind of man one 
wants to bolt with. I didn't sleep particularly well — 
so I spent an hour or two turning things over. 

Preedy. I was afraid the bed would require 
remaking. 

Lady Rushmere. Turning things over in my 
mind, and on reflection it occurs to me that I've 
thrown my bonnet over the wrong windmill. My 
second husband, Bob Jennerway, is quite a likeable 
chap, but his appreciation of the sex is a little too 
diffused ; if he could have concentrated his attention 
on about twenty women at a time we should have got 
on better — of course, you've heard about this last 
little lark of his ? 

Preedy. Mr. Bounsall mentioned Egypt. 

Lady Rushmere. Yes, he's trotted off to Cairo. 

Preedy. With — a — professional lady ? 

Lady Rushmere. Yes — of sorts. 

Preedy. Very painful for your ladyship. 

Lady Rushmere. So far as that goes — I don't 
know that it's going to turn out a particularly soft 
thing for Bob — ^it's the wrong season for Cairo, and 



80 MR. PPvEEDY AND THE COUNTESS. [Act II. 

from what I'm told slie's pretty certain to start danc- 
ing on his corns before very long — and with nobody 
to complain to but the courier, I don't think Bob will 
find it much of a Bank Hohday. 

(Freed Y rises and strolls up hy fire-place and above 

table to c.) 

I Preedy. It was naturally this deplorable state 
of aftairs that compelled your ladyship to ,;;,i 

Lady Rushmere. Try a fresh deal — ^yes — if I'd, 
had a single trump in my hand you can take your oath 
I shouldn't be going to Hertfordshire; (rising and 
going to chair l. of table) speaking as a man who knows 
him, when should you think Mr. Bounsall is likely to 
honour us with a little bit of his attention ? Because, 
you see, until he does it seems to me we're stuck. 
(sits) 

Preedy. Well — yes — of course we undoubtedly 
are. (sits on settee) 

Lady Rushmere. So far as I'm concerned, ^I 
don't care the half of a split straw what anybody 
says or thinks, but if we're held up in quarantine 
together much longer — my new maid, what's her name 
again ? 

Preedy. Harriet Budgen. 

Lady Rushmere. Yes — well, Budgen's view of the 
position is not unhkely to be generally accepted. 

(Door hell ready.) 

Preedy. Oh, I hope not. 

Lady Rushmere. Well — but you know, to the 



AcTir.] MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. 81 

casual observer why am T here ? I'm not the kind 
of person you're Ukely to have adopted, and therefore 
the average looker-on would at once start thinking 
what is usually called — the worst. 

Preedy. Surely a humble individual hke myself 
could never aspir6 to be misunderstood in the very 
gratifying way your ladyship implies ? 

Lady Rushmere. That's a very modest view to 
take of it ; but, anyhow, there's no reason why you 
should get into the papers before your time ; so if Mr. 
Bounsall doesn't hurry up I shall give him away — with 
a pound of his own tea — and you can start fair again. 

Preedy. Oh, Lady Rushmere, (rising) it would be 
ruin to me to disregard Mr. Bounsall's wishes. 

Lady Rushmere. All right — of course, if you like 
we'll play the game out. 

{Outer hell rings.) 

Preedy. That may be a telegram, (going up c.) 

Lady Rushmere. We'll hope so. (rising) By 
the way, were you kind enough to call at Pascarel's ? 

Preedy. Oh yes, I called. 

Lady Rushmere. It's late in the season ; had 
they got anything promising in the way of hats ? 

(BiLSON comes in from hall, goes to l. of Preedy.) 

Preedy. Eh? Oh yes, I think so. (to Bilson) 
What is it ? 

Lady Rushmere. Did you notice anything that 
looked human ? 



82 MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. [Act II 

Preedy. I don't know that 1 did. 
(Lady Rushmere goes below table to fire-place) 
What is it, Bilson ? 

BiLSON. Young man to see you. I 

Preedy. I haven't time to attend to any young 
i&an just now. 

Bilson. Says he must see you — says his name ia 
Saunders. 

Preedy. Reginald Saunders? 

Bilson. His name may be Reginald — 1 couldB't 
say — I haven't known him long enpugh. 

{« (Lady Rushmere strolls to top of table.) 

Preedy. (reflectively) Saunders — good heavens ! 
Lady Rushmere. Of course, what I wanted was 
a large black hat if they'd got anything possible. 
Bilson. Am I to show in Saunders ? , i 

(Preedy is noiv between Lady Rushmere and Bilson,/ 
and above chair l. of table.) 

Preedy. Yes — no — not for a minute. Your lady- 
ship — a young gentleman — that is a young man wishes 
to see me on an unpleasant little matter of business ; 
may I ask you to go into my modest drawing-room 
for a short time ? {going to drawing-room door and 
opening it, and returning to R.c. up stage) 

Lady Rushmere. Of course — why not? 

(Lady Rushmere goes up and turns at door.) 
You told them at Pascarel's ? 

Preedy. I told them to send round a large assort- 



Act II.] MR. PREEDY ANP THE COUNTESS. 8a 

ment of hats for your ladyship's selection, {to 
Bilson) Show in Mr. Saunders. ) 

(BiLSON goes off into hall.) 

They'll probably be here directly. 

Lady RusHMERE. That's all right. Thanks very 
much. 

{She goes into draiving-room and shuts door.) 
(pREEDY goes above table to fire-flace. At that moment 

Bilson comes in from hall followed hy SauNdeHS, 

who comes down c.) 
^Bilson. Mr. Saunders.^ 

(Bilson goes off into pantry.) 

Preedy. Good morning. 

Saunders. Good day. 

Preedy. I'm afraid I can't ask you to sit down, 
as I'm exceptionally busy. 

Saunders. I shan't detain you very long ; I con- 
sider that I have a strong grievance, Mr. Preedy, and 
I don't intend to take it lying down— or sitting dowft. 

Preedy. Exactly. I fancy we have met before. 

Saunders. We have. 

Preedy. Unless my memory deceives me ; we 
hunted the slipper together the Christmas before last 

Saunders. We did — at the house of Mr. Sidgrave. 

Preedy. And it was followed, if I'm not mistaken, 
by " Consequences " ? 

Saunders. It was — by consequences we were not 
then able to foresee, {pause) I happen to be in Lon- 



84 MK. PCEKOY AND THE COUNTESS. [Act II. 

don for a few days, and while on my way to call on 
Mr. Sidgrave, I met Miss Emma Sidgrave outside the 
hotel. She was just starting to visit 

Prsedv. The Albert Memorial. I'm quite aware 
of it. (coming beloiv table) 

Saunders. Well — [crossing to r.c. hj chair l. of 
table) i don't know that anything will be gained by 
beating about the bush. I love Miss Emma Sidgrave, 
and some months ago I made my feelings clear to that 
lady. 

Preedvt. Surreptitiously ? 

Saunders. That is an insultins remark. 
. Preedy. It's your fault, Mr. Saunders, if I find it 
necessary to regard you in your professional capacity. 
{going ^0 Saunders, who takes a few steps to the left 
so that Preedy is below chair at l. of table) 

Saunders. How do you mean? 

Preedy. It's thanks to you that I'm beginning 
to show my teeth — Miss Emma Sidgrave has promised 
to become my wife. 

Saunders. She mentioned the engagement, but — 

(Door bell ready.) 
— everything points to undue influence. What chance 
has a quiet unassuming provincial dentist against a 
wealthy alluring Londoner, who is leading, I dare say, 
a typical London life ? 

Preedy. My hfe in London typical ? I never 
heard a more disgraceful accusation ; the daily round 
of my business leaves me scarcely a moment for leisure 
of any kind. 



Act II.] nn. TREEDY AND THE COrNTEaS. 85 

' Saunders. Then why aren't you attending to it ? 
{Outer bell rm^js.) 
Preedy. My business is my business, and not 
yours ; my home Hfe is one practically of unbroken 
soUtude ; weeks pass without my hearing a voice, 
except that of my cook-housekeeper and my male 
attendant, and yet you venture to imply that I am 
wallowing in the vortex of London dissipation. 

(BiLSON comes in from hall iviih milliner^ s boxes one 

on the top of the other.) 
You imply this to m^, a lonely man — leading a 
lonely life. 

BiLSON. Somebody from Pascarel's {coming down 
between Preedy and SaundeRvS) has left these boxes 
of hats for the lady to choose from and will call back 
later. 

Preedy. Yes — put them down — put them down. 
I'll see to them by and by — you can go. 

(BiLSON crosses behind Saunders to back of settee, 
on which he places the hat-boxes.) 
(BiLSON goes out into pantry — pause.) 
Saunders. Hats ! {not moving, but turning his 
head and looking at the boxes) 
Preedy. What of them ? 
Saunders. For the cook-housekeeper. 

(Preedy goes over in front of Sav^deus and takes up 
the boxes. Saunders goes to r.c.) 
Preedy. Mr. Saunders, the Bounsall Emporium 



m MR rRSEDY AND THE COUNTESS. [Act IT. 

has not gained the title of universal for nothing. 
(calls) Budgen ! Millinery is not the least important 
among our numerous departments, and these £^re 
samples submitted for my inspection, {he 'picks up 
the boxes) Budgen ! 

(Harriet appears in doorway.) 

Kindly take these, will you ? {gives Harriet the 
boxes) 

{She goes into the bedroom.) 
Now, sir, I don't see that anything will be gained by 
our prolonging this mutually unpleasant interview. 
(d-own stage l.c.) 

Saunders. Very well, Mr. Preedy, but in spite of 
anything you may say I shall continue to hope, (r.o.) 

Freedy. I've no objection to that, so long as you 
don- 1 do it here ; the whole of London is open to you 
to hope in— with the exception of my flat. 
. (Harriet comes out from bedroom, l. 1 e.) 

^UNOEi^. Moreover, it is my belief that — — 
{he sees HASwtiET and pauses) 

(Prkbdy turns and sees Harriet.) 

Harriet. Gould I speak to my lady for a moment, 
sir ? 

Preedy. Eh ? Yes, she's in the drawing-room. 

(Harriet crosses up l. and above settee to drawing- 
room R.u.E. and goes off.) 
[The two men turn on their heels and watch her off, and 
then come face to face again.) 



AoTlI-l MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. 87 

Saunders, {after a pause.) Rather a young cook- 
housekeeper. 

Preedy. I suppose I can engage my own staff of 
domestics without previous consultation with you? 

(Lady Rushmere e7iters, folloived hy Harriet.) 
You're adopting an attitude which you may have to 
justify later in a court of law. 

(Lady Rushmere comes down c. between them.) 
Your entirely unwarrantable — [catches sight of Ladk 
Rushmere ivith a drooping inflection) unwarrantable 
assumption that — — 

(Saunders loohs round, sees Lady Rushmere, «^ 

takes a step or two hack to below table, in astonishment.) 

Lady Rushmere. Hope I don't interrupt you— 

Budgen telk me the hats have come. 

Preedy. (nervously) Yes, your ladyship, thef 

faiSve. 

Lady Rushmere. {to Harriet who is aboee tiAk 

%.c.) Where are they ? 

Harriet. In the bedroom, my lady, {crossis 
round above Lady Rushmere and back of setter to 
bedroom door, whicJi she opens) 

Lady Rushmere. All right— I'll go and try tliem 
on, {she crosses in front of Preedy over to bedroom — 
to Treed y) I should like your opinion before I 
decide— the looking-glass in the bedroom is nom 
of the biggest. 

Prjiedy. {nervously) Oh, I couldn't presume to 
influence your selection. 



88 M[l. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. [Act 11, 

LaDiy Rushmere. That's rot, two heads are better 
than one, though mine's going to wear the hat. 

(Saunders give^ an ironical snort.) 

( Lady Rushmere goes into hedroom., followed by 

Harriet.) 

(Slight pause — the two men look at each otfier.) 

Saunders. Mr. Preedy, a few moments ago you 
described yourself as a lonely man, leading a lonely 
life. 

Preedy. What if I did ? 

Saunders. Well, even the most dissipated London 
man 

Preedy. How dare you apply that description to 
me. How dare you ! 

Saunders. I didn't, but if you think the cap — or 
rather the hat— fits you, you're free to wear it. 

Preedy. You are again displaying your ignorance 
of modern business methods. That lady whom you 
saw just now has entire control of our millinery 
department. 

Saunders. It's my conviction that the whole 
thing's a " try on " in more senses than one — it won^t 
do, Mr. Preedy. 

Preedy. What won't do ? 

.Saunders. I noticed that both you and your 
nominal housekeeper 

Preedy. Nominal is most offensive. 

(Door hell ready.) 



Act II.] MR. PREEDY AXD THE COUNTESS. 8S( 

Saunders. You both addressed her by the title 
of " your ladyship." I find you masquerading as a 
respectable man, with ladies of title trying on hats in 
your bedroom. 

Freed Y. And where better ? 

Saunders. I should like to have Mr. Sidgrave's 
view on that point. 

{Door hell rifigs.) 

Preedy. Then go to Mr. Sidgrave — T shall be 
ready to answer any questions. 

Saunders. Oh yes ! and while I'm gone the lady 
will be smuggled away and you'll have strung together 
a fresh bundle of lies. I won't go. (banging Ids hat 
on the table and going below it to fireplace and sitting on 
club fender) 

Preedy. You won't what ? 

Saunders. I won't go. 

(BiLSON conies in from hall, shutting the door.) 

Preedy. If you don't leave at once I shall direct 
my man to fetch a policeman, {to Bilson.) What 
is it ? 

Bilson. Lord Kinslow and Lord Kushmere have 
called and say they must see you at once on private 
and important business. 

Preedy. Good heavens ! 

Bilson. Shall I show 'em in ? 

Preedy. No — wait — not for minute, {comes to 
hack of chair r.c.) Mr. Saunders, two gentlemen have 
called on business, which is both private and impor- 



90 MR. PPvEEDY AND THE COUNTESS. [Act II,. 

tant. Will you get out now {picking up hat and after 
instinctively glancing at the maker^s name, offering it 
to Saunders) and come back later on ? 

Saunders. I decline to do anything of tlie sort. 

BiLSON. They seemed a bit impatient. 

Preedy. Gfo and pacify them, (replacing hat on 
the table and going up n.c.) d 

(BiLSON goes off into hall.) 

Mr. Saunders, what will my visitors think ? 

Saunders. Well, when they see their host's cos- 
tume, they'll probably think he's been making a night 
of it. 

Preedy. (c.) Good gracious ! Yes, I can't see 
them like this. I am obliged to you for your sneer- 
ing reminder. 
(BiLSON comes in quickly, Orgain closing the door.) 

BiLSON. Lord Kinslow and Lord Rushmere would 

be glad to know how much longer you're likely to be, 
Preedy. I can't say to a minute or two- 

(BiLSON goes up and sits in chair R. of hall door:) 

Mr. ^Saunders, if you intend to adopt the unmanJy 
course of remaining where you're not wanted, will yo\x 
do so in another room? 

Saunders, {taking up hat and going to drawing" 
room door) Well, if I make this concession, it is not 
in any friendly spirit. 

Preedy. That's quite understood — ^willyougoiu 
there ? {pointing to draiving-room) 

Saunders, {moving toivards draiving-room door 



Act n.i MR PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. 91 

K.u.E.) I will — but I wish I could have you for a 
quarter of an hour in my red velvet chair. 

Preedy. Your threats have no terror for me — I 
always take gas. 

(Saunders goes into drawing-room.) 
At last — thank goodness ! (by chair l. of table) 

BiLSON. {rising and coming l.c.) Now can I show 
in the two gentlemen ? They were beginning to make 
themselves very unpleasant 

Preedy. I can't help it — I can't see them Hke this. 
{partly takes off his coat^ crossing Bilson and going 
towards bedroom door) 

Bilson. You ain't going to fight 'em, are you ? 

Preedy. No. {knocking at bedroom door) Your 
ladyship — here, what am I doing ? {replacing coat 
■again, but leaving othe arm out) 

(Harriet comes oiU.) 

Oh, Budgen» will you go — ^with her ladyship's permis- 
sion — to my hanging cupboard and bring me a coat 
und — things — anything that's there — and if you see 
a necktie anywhere about — I should be glad of that 
too. 

Harriet. Yes, air. 

Preedy. Thank you. 

(Harriet goes off.) 
'•• Bilson. You know those two gents have been 
waiting a good time in the passage. 
Preedy. T know — I know — {putting other arm in 



92 MR. TREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. [ActU. 

coat) you'll have to bring them in here, while I change 
my things in your pantry. 

BiLSON, Everybody seems to change their things 
in my pantry. 

(Harriet comes out with coat, trousers and small 

necktie.) 

Harriet. Are these what you want, sir ? 

Freed Y. Eh ? Yes, those'll do, thank you. 

{She goes off into bedroom.) 
Oh dear, oh dear — [havimj taken things) flannel trousers 
for week-ends at the seaside and no waistcoat . . . 
well, I can't wait now. Show in Lord Kinslow and 
Lord Rushmere — {moving round R. of settee towards 
pantry door and undoing his collar and tie) and tell 
them I'll be with them almost immediately. 

{They are both going.) 

BiLSON. I think I mentioned I leave this day 
month ? {at hall door) 

Preedy. Yes, you did; it's" the only pleasant 
thought I have to cling to. 

{He goes off into pantry.) 

(BiLSON goes into hall, returns imfnediately, stands R. 
of door, showing in Lord Kinslow and Lord Rush- 
mere. Kinslow enters first, followed by Rush- 
mere. Kinslow brings on hat and stick — Rush- 
mere neither.) 
Lord Rushmere. Are we to understand that afte 

keeping us for ten minutes 



Act 11. j Mil. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. 93 

Lord Kinslow. Twelve minutes and a half by 
my watch, {comimj down R. heloiv table) 

Lord Rushmere. (coming l.c.) Yes, that's all 
right — ^for twelve minutes and a half — in a draughty 
passage — with nothing to sit down upon except an 
umbrella stand— — Do you mean to say that Mr. 
Preedy isn't ready to see us now ? 

BiLSON. (c.) Mr. Preedy desired me to mention 
that he would be with you almost immediate. 

Lord Eushmere. Then have the goodness to 
tell Mr. Preedy we're not here for fun. 

Lord Kinslow. Yes, yes ! I suppose your 
mastsr is nob endeavouring to shirk the interview 
by departing down the back stairs, or anything of 
that kind ? 

Lord Rushmere. By George, he'd better not. 

Lord Kinslow. No. 

Lord Rushmere. Where is he ? And what's 
he doinsj ? 

BiLSON. He's ill the pantry changing his things. 

(BiLSON goes into hall.) 

Lord Rushmere. Changing his things ? 

Lord Kinslow. And in the pantry — why the 
pantry ? 

Lord Rushmere. Rotten business all round. I've 
a feeling the whole affair's going to be damned nasty. 

Lord Kinslow. The outlook certainly appears 
somewhat gloomy, (going to fire-place) 

Lord Rushmere. We've got to face the fact that 



94 MR. FREED Y AND THE COUNTESS. [Act 11. 

my giddy aunt-in-law has evidently mixed herself up 
with a full-fledged bounder. 

Lord Kinslow. {'placing Jmt on sideboard up r. 
and ivalking -stick hy fire-place) Don't let us prejudge 
the situation — bounder is a harsh term. 

Lord Rushmere. Prejudged be hanged ! Of 
course he's a bounder ; when do you find a decent chap' 
changing his togs in the pantry ? 

Lord Kinslow. [crossing above table to chair L. 
of table) Admi^jfing that your view of this Mr. 
Preedy i^ correct, it only makes Joanna's course of 
action the more remarkable. 

Lord Rushmere. {sitting on the settee with his 
left leg stretched fully along the seat) There's a good bit 
to be said the other way. Your son Bob Jennerway 
takes a trip to Cairo with a travelling companion, in 
case he should be dull. 

(Lord Kinslow sits l. of tabk R.c.) 
I expect Aunt Jo has had about enough of that sort 
of thing ; this man Preedy chipped in at the right 
moment, and the fat's in the fire. 

Lord Kinslow. I have no desire to exonerate my 
unhappy son. 

Lord Rushmere. Unhappy ? He's happy 
enough — all the trouble and worry comes our way — 
that's what's so beastly unfair, upon my soul, I'm — 
almost sorry that her lawyer put me on their track. 

Lord Kinslow. How did the question arise — did 
he send for you ? 

Lord Rushmere. No, 1 went round to see Philip- 



Act II.] MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. 95 

son — that's my legal chap's name — about my own 
little kick-up, which is coming on directly, {spreading 
his legs) and he happens to be Aunt Jo's man of law 
too, and having heard she'd vanished into thin air, 
don't you know, I put it to him whether he'd got any 
notion of her present whereabouts. Well, after fool- 
ing about a bit, he let out to me that all her letters 
were to be forwarded to this address, care of Hamilton 
Preedy. Of course, I asked a few leading questions 
which he couldn't or wouldn't answer, but it didn't 
take me long to 

Lord Kinslow. Put two and two together. 

Lord Rushmere. No — to put one and one to- 
gether, so I thought I'd beter let you know how things 
stood. ' ^v- 

Lord Kinslow. Naturally — obviously — but I can- 
not think Joanna would link her fate with an indi- 
vidual so wanting in refinement as your estimate 
would imply, [rises) 

Lord Rushmere. The cove may have points — in a 
middle-class kind of way — he may very likely be a 
good-looking well set up chap. 

(Lord Kinslow goes to fire-place.) 
What I'm afraid is that the Rushmere family will be 
absorbing too much public attention — for this to come 
along just now, when I happen to be bringing a httle 
divorce of my own, (rises, crosses to chair l. of tabh 
R.C. and sits) 'Pon my soul, Kinslow, it takes all the 
heart out of one. (leans his Jiead on his right Mnd, 
his right elboiv on table) 



96 MR. PPvEEDY AND THE COITNTESS. [Act 11. 

Lord Kinslow. I'm afraid we are not standing on 
very firm ground — it may be judicious to avoid any 
display of resentment, or temper 

Lord Rushmere. {turning to him in a tern/per) 
Temper ? What do you mean by temper ? 

Lord Kinslow. My dear Rushmere, I mean 
nothing personal, but as a distinguished prelate is 
reported to have said, " In all temporal difficulties 
let us keep our heads cool and our hearts warm " 

Preedy comes an from fantry. He is attired ins 
light flannel trousers, 7norning coat and a coloured tie^ 
evening-dress waistcoat.) 
Lord Rushmere. That's all right — I'll keep calm. 

)(turning in chair, seeing Preedy) Who the devil' 

this? 

(Lord Kinslow comes doivn r.) 

Preedy. Good day, my lord ; am I addressing 
Lord Rushmere ? 

Lord Rushmere. I'm Lord Rushmere — (rises) 

(Preedy hows.) 
— and this is Lord Kinslow. 

(Preedy hoivs again.) 

We've come here to see Mr. Hamilton Preedy — I 
think that's his name — on business, (r.c.) 

Preedy. Quite so, my lord — I'm ready to attend 
to it. (l.c.) 

Lord Rushmere. Very likely you are, but as our 



Act II.] MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. 97 

business happens to be exceptional private, we 
shouldn't care to discuss it with an outsider. 

PpvEEDY. My lord 

' Lord Rushmere. We've come here to see Mr. 
Preedy — it's no kind of good his trying to shirk — we 
shall wait here, till we do see him, if we have to draw 
him like a badger. 

Preedy. I am Preedy. 

Lord Rushmere. What ? 

Lord Kinslow. (r.) Do we understand you, 
sir, to say that you are Preedy — er — Mr. Preedy ? 

Preedy. My name is Hamilton Preedy. 

{They look at him in amazement for a moment or two 
and then turn and look at each other.) 
Lord Rushmere. {to Preedy) Excuse me a min- 
ute, (aside to Lord Kinslow) I'm damned — what ? 
{goes to Lord Kinslow) How does he strike you ? 

(Preedy wanders up stage, arranging his tie.) 

Lord Kinslow. It's bewildering. 

Lord Rushmere. But he's a worm — a third-class 
worm, {looking at Preedy) Did you ever see such 
beastly togs ? One needn't wonder that he changest 
them in the pantry. 

Lord Kinslow. His appearance certainly throws 
a painful light on Joanna's imntal condition. 

Lord Rushmere. Well, anyway, we've got to talk 
to him — ^Mr. — er — Preedy 

(Preedy turns.) 

G 



98 MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESfe. [Act II. 

(Lord Rushmere returns to Preedy, who has come 

down c.) 

Preedy. Yes, my lord- — 
(Lord Kinslow stands with his hack to fire-place.) 

Lord Rushmere. I've had an interview with Mr. 
Philipson, 

(Preedy bows.) 

and in answer to certain inquif ies I felt justified in 
making, he told me that any communication fiat 

Lo|iD Kinslow. Or any other member of the 
fsmily — — {coming below table) 
f*^ Loud Rushmere. Look here, Einelow, we cim't 
both do the talking. 

(Lord Kinslow goes hack U> fife-plaee.) 

Yon know we've been given to understand that 

«fty communication we wish to make to my stant. 
Lady Rushmere, will have to go through you. 

Preedy (with dignity) That is so, my lord. 

Lord Rushmere. Oh, is it? 

Lord Kinslow. {again goes below table to Preedy, 
Lifcdy Rushmere 

Lord Rushmere. Oh ! {annoyed by Lord Kin- 
SLOw's interference Jw goes, up) 

Lord Kinslow. Lady Rushmere, for reasons into 
which I will not enter, has apparently gone into what 
I fear we must call — hiding. 

Preedy. That is so. 
[\ Lord Kinslow. We were naturally anxious — you 



''■'}•) 



Act 11.] MR. PREEDY AKD THE COINTESa §» 

call understand it wo^id be feo— we are naturally 

arixious. 

Lord Rushmerb. We shall be here all day. 
{coming down between Lord Kinslow and Preedy.) 

(Lord Kinslow returns to fire-place.) 

Look here, sir, you know Lady Rushmere'g preefeiit 

address ? 

P'p1^^^TyY. Poissibly. :.-.•.;■•--• ;-;^ :-■•• •=-■ ^- -■- 

' tiORD RtJSHMERE. So you— Of doii'l) y6ti t 

Preedy. I do ! 

Lord Rushmere. Well, we want to get into touch 
with her as soon as possible. So will you have the 
goodness to inform us where she's to be found ? 

Preedy. On the whole— and after careful <joi»- 
ftideration, my lord — I won't. 

Lord Rushmbre. You won't what* 
^ Preedy. I won't have the goodness to infoiift 

you- 

Lord Rushmbre. Then you're a damned waster ? 

' Lord Kinslow. (r. of table) Rustmere, Rusli- 
mere— ^o let us keep our heads cool and our hearte 
warm. ^ , 

(Lord Rushmbre groans antioyance and goes up stage.) 
What is your reason, Mr. Preedy, far this policy of 

reserve? 

K Preedy. I am acting in accordance ^ith her 
ladyship's wishes. Her ladyship has no desire t«^ 
resume relations with— any of her relations. 
Lord Rushmbre. What ? ■ ■ ^ 



100 MR. PliEEDY AND THE COUNTESS. [Act 11. 

Preedy. She is beginning life again — and when 
the law has intervened on her behalf — it is probable 
that she will form other and less disreputable ties. 

(KlNSLOW and Rushmere stare in astonishment at 

Preedy.) 

An. honest and upright man, whose name at this 
stage I will not mention, is anxious to come to her 
rescue, and when the necessary time has elapsed 
will guide her into the peaceful haven provided by 
his name and home. 

{Slight pause.) 

Lord Eushmere. Oh, will he ? (turning to 
Lord Kinslow) Ton my solemn soul — what ? , 
{to f^REEDY) Look here, Mr. Thingummy, when you 
start talking of disreputable ties, one needn't look 
higher than your collar to see you're a bit of an 
authority — but when you favour us with a lot of 
drivel about upright men and hearths and homes, 
you're reckoning a whole farmyard of imaginary 
chickens. 

Preedy. I don't think so. 

Lord Rushmere. You talk about legal proceed- 
ings — can't you realize that if you and my aunt go 
to work on your present lines you'll find yourselves 
taking tea with the King's Proctor ? {goes up c.) 

Lord Kinslow. (r. of table, speaking across it 
to Preedy) Of course, Mr. Preedy, we have no 
difficulty in identifying the individual whom you 
modestly describe as honest and upright. 



ACT II.] MR. PREEDY AND THE COFNTESS- 1^7 

Lord Rushmere. No ! {hy chair l. of taKe) 

Lord Kinslow. T assume we may take it that 
when my daughter-in-law, Lady Rushmere, hais 
obtained her freedom, you hope to occupy the posi- 
tion vacated by my son. 

Preedy. Well, no — you mustn't assume that. 

Lord Rushmere. What! 

Preedy. The fact is, I'm placed rather awk- 
wardly. I must beg you not to link our names to- 
gether in any way. I have the highest esteem for 
Lady Rushmere, and when that injured lady 6h- 
tains legal release, I have practically no doubt 
that an honest, upright man will be waiting for her— 
but it won't be me. {laughing nervously) Ha, ha, 
not me. 

(Lord Kinslow sinks, dismayed, into chair r. of 
table.) 

Lord Rushmere. (after slight pause, to Lord 
Kinslow) What do you say to that, Kinslow ? 
He won't even pledge himself to marry her. 

Lord Kinslow. Really, Mr. Preedy, you pain 
me — you shock me — the tone of levity you adopt in 
discussing' the most solemn obligations of honour 
and duty 

Lord Rushmere. Good heavens, Kinslow ! 
Here, let me talk to him. Now, sir, I go b<ack to the 
starting, point, and I may warn you, you're walking 
very near the outside edge of my patience. Will 
you or won't you give us Lady Rushmere's present 
address ? 



102 MS: ?RBBDY AND THE 'COUNTESS. [Act II. 

Freed Y. I will not. -^ i 

Lord Rinslow. Is she still in England ? 

Prei?dy. Her present temporary residence is 
accessible — but remote. 

Lord Kushmere. {taking his hat) Come along, 
Kirifllow. 

(Lord Kinslow picks uj) hat and stick and goes 

above table to hall door, where he joins RushmeRe. 

Freed Y also goes to door on their l.) 

Lefc me tell you this, sir — I'll have you shadowed, 

^i\d you may think yourself damned lucky that, 

thanl^ tP my coming round here in a hurry, I 

Happened to forget to bring a horsewhip. 

{At this they turn to go. All three men are facing tlm 
door and in a line. They turn sharphjto theif left 
on, hearing Lady Rushmere.) 

(l*4P¥^ RfUfilHMEaB comes in from hedroom in another 

hat.) 

(to hoim Kimi^oVf) Hera, let's get q,long. ^ 

(They are (foin^.) .., ; 

Ii4PV K«tJSW¥ERil. (to L. of settee, down sta^e) 
How does this look ? 

(The three men turn and ^ee her. Picture. Slight 

pause.) 

liOBD KiN^LOW. Joanna I (going above tabh 
ip fire-place) 

Lord BugHMBRs. Oh, that^s it, is it ? (remain- 
ing up c.) 



Act II j MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. 103 

Lady Rushmere. Hullo, Rush ! have yoa 
turned up. {crosses heloiv settee to chair l. of table 
R.c. Sits) Good day, Lord Kinslow. 

Lord Rushmere. Yes, auntie dear. 

(Lord Rushmere comes down to l. of Lady Rush- 
mere. Freed Y goes behind settee to l. and. so to 
front of it.) 

T have turned up — at some little"^ personal incon- 
venience. As you came in you said, " How does this 
look ? " Well, if you want my opinion, I should aaj 
the whole thing looks damned disreputable. 

Lady Rushmere. Thanks ; as it happens I doB* t 
want your opinion — I've no use for it. My qu69- 
lion was addressed to Mr. Preedy. How is Ladjr 
Kinslow ? 

Lord Kinslow. Very far from well, {^peaking 
aeross the table) 

Lady Rushmere. Ah, Marienbad's about due, 

wn'fc i<j ? Heard from Bob ? 

I ■ 

Lord Kinslow. We have not. 

Lady Rushmebe. You soon will. When he left 
he w«k9 as stony as a country road, sol don't fancy 
he'll get very far up the Nile without your fatherly 
assistance . {slight pause) 

Lord Kinslow. He will receive no flnanoiftt 
help from me ; but I didn't call here in order to dis- 
cuss Robert. 

Lady Rushmere. No ? Then to what are we 
indebted for the pleasure of this visit ? 



104 Mil. FREED Y AND THE COUNTESS. [Act II. 

Lord Kinslow. We ! We, Joanna ? You per- 
mit yourself the shameless use of the word " ive " ? 
Lady Rushmere. What's the matter with it ? 
You sec, you've taken us by surprise ; if we'd known 
you were coming w^e'd have put up our new window 
curtains. 

(Lord Kinslow and Lord Rushmere utter a groan. 

Lord Rushmere turns up stage.) 
( to Preedy) Wouldn't we ? 

Pre ED Y. I should have been delighted to do 
honour to any relatives of your ladyship's. 

Lady Rushmere. There, isn't he a kind little 
chap ? What were you talking about when I came 
in? 

Lord Rushmere. That's soon answered. Thanks 
to Philipson we ran Mr. Preedy to earth; he fed us 
up with lies until we were nearly sick, and just then 
you came on the scene. 

Lord Kinslow. That — that gentleman in- 
formed us that your present residence was accessible 

but remote 

(Preedy coughs nervously, r. of tabh.) 
Lady Rushmere. I was in the bedroom trying 
on hats, {seated l. of table) 

Lord Rushmere. That's a nice admission 

{coming down c.) {to her) Can't you see, aunt, 

th at your behaviour with that man there is not only 

discreditable — it's beastly inopportune ; just at the 

moment when my divorce is coming along, you take 

a header into the papers — it ain't playing the game. 



ACTll.j MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. 105 

Lady Rushmere. I like your cheek, Rushmere. 
Because you've engaged the Divorce Court for a 
series of matinees, that's no reason why you should 
expect to keep it for the entire season ! 

Lord Rushmere. (loudly) Well then, I've just 
got this to say 

Lord Kinslow. Rushmere, Rushmere, do let 
us again recall the clerical suggestion that we should 
keep 

Lord Rushmere. Oh lord, j^es, we know all 
about that ! Heads cool, feet warm. You see, 
aunt, we came here in a conciliatory, affectionate 
iSpirit. {angrily) 

Lady Rushmere. That's quite evident. 

Lord Rushmere. {across table to Iter) Why not 
give propriety a show for once in a way, come and 
stay with me. 

Lady Rushmere. Thanks ! 

Lord Kinslow. Or why not come to us ? Lady 
Kinslow will be charmed to welcome you. 

Lady Rushmere. Did she say so ? 

Lord Kinslow. We have not actually discussed 
the question, but I know what her feeling would be. 

Lady Rushmere. So do I. Both your offers of 
hospitality are very tempting, but I prefer Mr. 
Preedy's. 

Preedy. Particularly gratifying. ■, (by settee h.c.) 

Lord Rushmere. Gratifying be damned ! (he 
is on Lady Rushmere's l.) Then go your own 
road — it's a bit muddy — still that's your look out, 



106 MR PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. [Act it 

but T suppose you realize that when you're a free 
woman — if you ever are — ^Mr. Preedy don't intend to 
marry you. I happen to know, because he said so 
himself. 

Lady Rushmere. Did he ? Ah, but when he 
said that he hadn't seen me in this hat. 

(Lord Kinslow and Lord Rushmere utter groans 
of despair. Lord Kinslow goes uf r. hy side- 
board. Lord Rushmere goes up c.) 

Lady Rushmere. That's all right, Mr. Preedy^ 
there's a lot too much marriage nowadays ; we're 
getting along very nicely as we are, and when the 
time comeg I'w sure you wouldn't break my heart 
would you? . , 

(Lord Kinslow has returned to fire-placie,) 

Preedy. (l.c. by settee) Certainly not, your 
ladyship. I shouldn't presume to take such » 
liberty. 

Lady Rushmere. There, 1 told you he was quite 
a nioc little jnan. {rising) Good-bye, Lojrd Kinaiow. 

(IiO^D Kinslow takes hat and stick and joins LoftH 
RusHMHRB by hall dooTy going abovQ table,^ 

Good-bye, Rush. Mr. Preedy and I won't detain 
you, because two's company and four's a crow^. 
{qoes to fire-place below table, takes cigarette from box 
on mantelpiece, lights and smokes it) 

Lord Rushmere. Come along, Kinslow, it's a 
clear case of ghastly rotten infatuation. 



Act II.] MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. 107 

(Lord Rushmere and Lord Kinslow have turned 
to go. They are by the hall door, Rushmere l.^ 
Kinslow r.) 

(Saunders comes on hastily.) 
Saunders, ^top ! Now I understand every- 
thing. 

Lord Rushmere. Ok, do you ? And who are 
you ? (turning to Saunders) 

(The positions are as follows : Lord Kinslow is by 
tfhe chair B,. of hall door. Lord Rushmere is <m 
Lord Kinslow^s left, and close to him. Saunders 
is on Lord Kinslow's right, some little distant 
from him. He goes aloae to Kinslow at ''^ I will 
not leave the a'partment^^^ so that Lord Kinslow is 
really hemmed in between Saunders and Lord 
,. HusHMfiRE, who talk to each other across him. 
pREEDY is down stage l.c. Lady Rushmere t> 
by the fir^'flaQe.) 

Saunders. My name — is Saunders. 
•' Prbedy. Mr. Regins^ld Saunders, dental surgeon. 
^ Saunders. I am a dental surgeon. IVe no wish, 
to deny it. b j 

Lord Ru3ISMG^p. I don't care a damn who or 
what you are. Lord Kinslow and I have just 
finished some very painful family business, and 
we're going. 

Saunders. For the moment, my lord, I must 
insist on your remaining. 

Lord Rushmere. What the devil do you mean, 



)08 MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. [AgtII. 

sir ? If you're cadging for patients I've got a tooth 
man of my own in Portland Place. 

Preedy. Leave the apartment, Mr. KSaunders. 

Saunders. I will not leave the apartment f 
For the last twenty minutes I have been in that 
drawing-room with my ear to the keyhole. 

Lord Rushmere. Then you're a dirty eaves- 
dropper ! 

Preedy. Quit my flat, Mr. Saunders. 

Saunders. I will not quit your flat till I choose. 
Lord Rushmere, and Lord Kinslow, I call you both 
to witness that that man there 

(Slight pause. Saunders close to Lord Kinslow 
and Lord Rushmere.) 

Lord Rushmere. Well ? 

Saunders. That man, Hamilton Preedy —is^ — a 
profligate. 

Lord Rushmere. Oh — Lord goodness ! we know 
that — of course we know he's a profligate. You 
don't suppose we called round to hear him say his 
catechism — and if he is, what business is it of yours ? 

Saunders. I make it my business, my lord, 
because of my loyal, devoted love for Emma. 

Lord Rushmere. Emma — who's Emma ? 

Preedy. Mr. Saunders, I 

(Door slam ready.) 

Saunders, (talking into Lord Kinslow's jace) 
And when I leave here I go straight to Mr. Sidgrave. 
Lord Kinslow. Who is Sidgrave ? 



AotILJ MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. 10» 

Lord Eusiimere. What's it matter who he is ? 
Come on, Kinslow, don't let's waste any more time 
with these babbhng bounders. 

(Lord Rushmere and Lord Kinslow hmi to go.) 

Freed V. Get oufc, you scoundrel ! 

Saunders. Don't you talk to me like that. 
{shaking his finger at Preedy) 

(Saunders hastily goes to Preedy ivho is down stage 
by settee, cros^iiig Lord Rushmere in order to do 
so. . Preedy seizes Saunders hy the shoulders 
in order to frofel him totvards the door.) 

Preedy. You get out ! {'pushing Saunders. 
He has both arms right round Saunders.) 

Saunders. Don't you dare to touch me. {As he 
is being moved) I'll appeal to the law. 

Preedy. You can think that over at the bottom 
df my stone staircase. 

(Lord Kinslow and Lord Rushmere (he l.) have 
turned at the door when they hear the dispute between 
Saunders and Preedy, ivho rushes Saunders 
off between Lord Rushmere and Lord Kinslow, 
who are mutually thrown off their balance.) 

Lord Kinslow. Dear me — dear me ! {is can- 
noned into chair r. of door) 

Lord Rushmere. Take care where you're com- 
ing to. {dancing about in agony, Saunders having 
trodden on his foot.) 

(Rushmere aims ivild blows through hall door and 



no MR. FREED Y AND THE COUNTESS. T [Act 11 . 

his elbow knocks down large Japanese vase off a 
pedestal standing near — vasehreaks, Preedy and 
Saunders are heard scuffling off l. Door bangs 
violently. Lord Rushmere leans helplessly against 
the pedestal gazing at the broken vase.) 

Lord Kinslow. This episode supplies a fitting 
climax to a disgusting interview, (breathlessly) 

Lord Rushmere. Filthy! IVe bfttken bift . 
beastly vase. 

(Preedy enters with tie «M<lowe, waisteoat Mtf open, 
Jmir dishevelled. He U utterly mJioiiMtiid. He 
gropes his way in aimlessly, pd^sing Mm fight hand 
across Lord KinsloW'b head and iinks into chair > 
L. of table. During tMi Lady Ht7&t[MERB h(H$ 
been seated mi the club fmd&f—sh^ «> mnoking a ) 
cigarette.) .^ 

Well, siif, if you've quite finished Borttpping with that 
friend of yours, we wish you good naotning. I'vft • 
had a slight accident with a bit of your china, which 
shall be replaced in the course of the day. 

Preedy. It's not of the slightest consequence, ' 
Lord Rushmere — ^pray don't think of it. 

(Curtain warning.) '^^ 

Lord Rushmere. I'm going to thinh of it ; you're " 
not at all the kind of person to whom I should care 
to be under any sort of obligation. After you, 
Kinslow. 

(Lord Rushmere and Lord Kinslow go out.) ; , 
Is (Preedy remains seated l. of table.) 



Act II.] MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. Ill 

pREEDY. I hope you'll pardon me, Lady Rush- 
mere, for my momentary display of violence, but I 
was very much put out. 

Lady Rushmere. It seemed to me it was the 
other chap who was put out. {sits R. of table) I 
thought you did it wonderful well. 

Freed y. And now, what would your ladyship 
like to do ? After all this painful excitement you 
might wish to lie down for a little. 

Lady Rushmere. Thanks, I think liot; I don't 
feel inclined to go back to that bed prematurely. 
Suppose you tak« me somewhere and give me a bit 
ot lunch ? ; .. 

Freed Y. Most delightful suggestion ; but I 
understood from Mr. Bounsall that restaurants are 
prohibited. I know a quiet confectioner's just off 
Sloane Street where I occasionally indulge in a mid- 
day chop. 

Lady Rushmere. It sounds reckless. 

Freed Y. But, after all, why i^hould we go out ? 
I will order luncheon to be prepared at once, {rises 
and goes above table to top of fire-place. Goes over to 
hell, rings it, returning to c.) I'm afraid I can't 
guarantee a very elaborate banquet, my cook is not a 
cordon bleu, but she's a faithful domestic who under- 
stands air my little ways. 

(BiLSON comes in from pantry,) 
{to Bilson) Tell cook to prepare luncheon at once. 
tsBiLSON. Cook has left. 



112 MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. [Act II. 

Preedy. What ? 

BiLSON. She asked me to mention that she was a 
respectable woman, and she's left. 

(BiLSON goes quietly off into fantry.) 

(Slight pause. They look at each other.) 

Lady Rushmeee. Evidently the faithful crea- 
ture included me among your little ways and her 
fidelity wouldn't stand the strain. 

Preedy. Most unfortunate ; what are we to 
do? 

(Lady Rushmere rises leisurely.) 

Lady Rushmere. It's the hand of destiny, Mr. 
Preedy ; let's go and have a midday chop, {she is 
below table r.c.) 

(Preedy goes to desk l., picks up his hat, joins Lady 
Rushmere doivn stage, places his hat on his head, 
offers his left arm to Lady Rushmere and they 
exeunt, arm in arm as the curtain falls. ) 

{Note : The hall door is not closed after Lord 
KiNSLOW and Lord Rushmere exit.) 

Curtain. ¥M 



V. 



ACT ITI 

Same scene . — Evening . 

Blinds drawn. Electric sconces alight. Ash-tray 
and open magazine on table R.c. 

(Lady Rushmere and Preedy are discovered. 
Lady Rushmere sitting on the settee and Preedy l. 
of table R.c.) 

Lady Rushmere. What's about the time ? 
(has a copfj of the " Globe " neivspaper) 

Preedy. {looking at his ivatcli) Nearly half- 
past nine, Lady Rushmere. 

Lady Rushmere. So late as that ? What do 
you suppose has happened to Mr. Bounsall ? He 
ought to have been able to soothe half a dozen god- 
fathers by now. 

Preedy. I wish I could mitigate the tedium of 
waiting. I was wondering if there was any two- 
handed game of chance that might amuse your 
ladyship. I believe I have a draught-board some- 
where, {rising) but I'm afraid a few of the men are 
missing, {sitting again) 

Lady Rushmere. There's always cat's-cradle — ■ 
but perhaps we'd better hold it in reserve. Really 



114 MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. [Act III. 

the whole day has been such a whirl of pleasure and 
excitement, it might be well to slow down a bit. 

Preedy. (iviili a gratified smile) Your ladyship 
is alluding to our visit to Kew Gardens after lunch ? 

Lady Rushmere. Yes ! 

Preedy'. Your ladyship obviously needed exer- 
cise and change of scene, but in view of your incog- 
nito I didn't dare to risk either the British Museum oi 
the National Gallery, and even with the care we took 
to avoid observation, it seemed to me that we ex- 
cited a little attention — doubtless your ladyship's 
charming costume 

Lady Rushmere. You're not quite fair to your- 
self. I think your own costume a little contributed. 

Preedy. It was terrible, wasn't it ? I didn't 
realize the tragic general effect till I caught sight of 
myself in a shop window. 

Lady Rushmere. Why did we drive to Kew 
Gardens in a four-wheeled cab ? 

Preedy. Of course, we could have gone by train, 
if it had not been for the publicity. 

Lady Rushmere. Ah well, it filled out the after- 
noon, and on the way 1 recognized for the first time 
what a number of people do their washing at home. 

Preedy. It was a terrible disappointment to me 
■—-on your ladyship's account — to find that the 
Cactus House is only open to the public on Wednes- 
days and Saturdays. 

Lady Rushmere. Life is made up of disap- 
pointments. 



Act III.] MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. 115 

Preedy. Yes — ^and I'm afraid the word dis- 
appointment included the tea at the " Cyclist's 
Rest." Your ladyship will think me a very poor 
caterer. I'm quite ashamed when I remember that, 
thanks to the departure of my cook, .your evening 
meal consisted of rolled tongue and three-cornered 
puffs. 

Lady Rushmere. Oh, that was all right. There 
was something I wanted to ask you. What was the 
real trouble this morning with your friend — Mr. — 
Saimders, wasn't it ? 

Preedy. His name is Saunders, {rising and 
aoinq nearer to Lady Rushmere) He's not a friend 
of mine — he s a dentist. 

Lady Rushmere. He seemed annoyed. I hope 
Rushmere and Kinslow didn't interrupt you just as 
you were going to have a tooth out ? 

Preedy. Oh no, he's not at all the kind of man 
I should employ professionally. 

(Lady Rushmere gives Preedy the neivspaper, 

ivhich he takes and places on table l. Then comes 

down L. to foot of settee at hack.) 

Lady Rushmere. He seemed to be a person 
of rather strict views. Didn't I catch the word 
profligate ? 

Preedy. Yes — [leaning over hack of settee) he was 
referring to me. There happens to be a young lady 
to whom I am very much attached — her name is 
Sidgrave. Well, Mr. Saunders has also been paying 



116 MR. niSEDY AND THE COUNTESS. [Act III. 

attentions to her, but she seems to prefer me to 
Saunders. He called on me this morning, and while 
he was making himself unpleasant you happened to 
come into the room, and being a man of evil mind, he 
placed a most unjustifiable construction on your 

presence here which 

Lady Rushmere. Which he shares with Budgen 
and the butler — and, of course, the cook. But I 
suppose Mr. Saunders doesn't matter, does he ? 

Preedy. Well, I fear it is his intention to con- 
fide his suspicions to Mr. Sidgrave — [coming down and 
sitting on lower end of settee) Emma's father. 

Lady Rushmere. And would Mr. Sidgrave be 
likely to share them ? 

Preedy. Of course he and Mrs. Sidgrave are 
just a little old-fashioned — at the same time, I'm 
certain — {slight fause) oh, yes, quite certain — I shall 
ultimately make them all understand. 

Lady Rushmere. Mr. Preedy, you've just given 
me a new experience, and one that Nature nevep 
intended — you've made me feel small. 

Preedy. Oh, pray don't say that. 

Lady Rushmere. I'm afraid some of us have a 
way of driving our motors over other people's feel- 
ings — but if I'd had the faintest notion I was up- 
setting things between you and your best and bright- 
est girl, I'd have seen Mr. Bounsall in — in a very 
warm climate — before I'd have let him play up suoh 
a rotten game as this. 



Act III.] MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. 117 

(Thcif both rise. Lady Rusiimere ^70^5 11. c.) 

Preedy. Lady Rushmere ! (l.c.) 

Lady Rushmere. For nearly twenly-four hours 
I've been a parcel to be left here till called for — and 
my temporary owner has apparently lost the ticket — 
anyhow, it's time I re-directed the label to some 
other address. 

Preedy^. May I beg 3^ou to listen to me, Lady 
Rushmere ? {going c.) 

Lady'' Rushmere. I'm going to give Mr. Boun- 
sall another twenty minutes — just enough time to 
pack my things — and then I'm off. 

Preedy. What could I say to Mr. Bounfeall ? 

Lady Rushmere. Tell him I wouldn't stop. 

Preedy. I owe a great deal to Mr. Bounsall, and 
if I were to desert the trust which he confided to 
me, I don't believe I should ever dare to look at 
myself again in my own shaving-glass. 

Lady Rushmere. When you talk of what you 
owe to Mr. Bounsall, you mustn't forget that Miss 
Sidgrave is your principal creditor — and I don't 
mean you to go through the court on my account. 

(Harriet knocks off. Bedroom door.) 
Was that a knock at the door ? 

Preedy. I think it was. Come in ! 

(Harriet comes out of bedroom. Preedy strolls 

up c.) 
Lady Rushmere. Oh, is that you, Budgen ? 
What is it ? 



118 MR. ['REEDY AND THE iGOUNTESS. [Act III. 

Harriet. I thought I would ask if your lady- 
ship would require me again this evening, (at foot 
of settee h.) 

Lady KusHMERE. As it happens I shall. Get all 
my things together and put them into my trunk, 

(R.C.) 

Preedy. Oh, your ladyship, [returning c.) 

Lady Rush MERE. We shall be leaving here in 
the course of half an hour. 

Preedy. If your ladyship would only allow me 
to say 

Lady Rushmere. That's all right, Mr. Preedy — 
we settled all that, (cro^^es io Harriet) Attend to 
it at once, will you, Budgen ? 

(Harriet turns to go.) 
and— — 

(Harriet stops.) 
if you have occasion to see me again during the 
interval, you needn't knock at the door. 

Harriet, [rather impudently) I thought I might 
be disturbing your ladyship and Mr. Preedy. 

Lady Rushmere. You were engaged to think 
respectfully. That'll do. [ivatches Harriet go right 
off) 

(Harriet goes l. i. e.) 
Preedy. Lady Rushmere — if you leave my 
n^odest abode — you will, 1 fear^ be like a ship that 
has slipped its moorings. 



Act III.] MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. 119 

Lx\DY RusHMERE. (l.c.) T shall b'e all right — 
don't you worry yourself. 

Pre^dy. It's my duty to worry myself 

(BiLSON comes in from hall.) 

{aoing below table r.c.) And, of course, till the last 
moment I shall cling to the hope of Mr. Bounsall's 
return. 

BiLSON. Miss Sidgrave has called to see you. 

Preedy. Miss Sidgrave ! Emma ! Is she 
alone ? 

BiLSON. Yes, she is alone ; and I shall be glad if 
you can suit yourself by the end of the week. 

(During this Lady Kushmere goes l. to back of the 

settee.) 

Lady Rushmere. Very fortunate, (to Bilson) 
Show in Miss Sidgrave. 

(BiLSON goes off into hall.) 
Preedy. But Mr. Bounsall wished your lady- 
ship to remain unknown to everybody. 
Lady Rushmere. Never mind about that. 

(BiLSON comes in, followed by Emma from hall.) 
BiLSON. Miss Sidgrave. 

(BiLSON goes off into hall, closing door.) 

(Emma advances.) 
Preedy. (advancing to her) Emma dear. 
Emma. Oh, Hamilton, I don't know what you'll 
think. I had to come — I — . (seeing Lady Rush- 



lao MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. [Act III. 

mere) 1 didn't know you had some one with you 
(up c.) 

Preedy. Yes, dear — this is—this — er (by 

chair l. of table) 

Lady Rushmere. Mr. Preedy, will you make me 
known to Miss Sidgrave ? (l.c. above settee) 

Preedy. Of course, if your ladyship insists. 
Emma, this is — the Countess of Rushmere. 

Lady Rushmere. (advances to Emma and holds 
out her hand) How do you do ? 

(Emma takes it timidly.) 
I'm very glad to meet you. I dare say my being 
here seems rather odd to you — it does to me. 

Emma. Oh, not at all. Lady Rushmere. I know 
I oughtn't to be here myself. 

Lady Rushmere. Where's papa and mamma? 

Emma. Papa is dining out — 

(Lady Rushmere strolls to lower end of settee.) 
and mamma is with an invalid relative, (turns to 
Preedy) 

(Lady Rushmere moves away to l., to back of settee.) 
I had to come, Hamilton — because Reginald Saun- 
ders 

Preedy. Brute ! 

Emma. Came round to see papa — and papa was 
out, so I saw him — and he said dreadful things, about 
you. 

Preedy. Beast ! 

Emma. He said 



Act III.] MR. TREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. 121 

Lady Rushmere. AVe can guess what he said. 
Mr. Preedy, I'm going to see how Budgen is getting 
on with my packing ; while I'm gone, will you let 
Miss Sidgrave know how matters really stand, and 
knock the stuffing out of Mr. Saunders ? {strolling 
towards bedroom) I shall hope to see you again, 
Miss Sidgrave, before I go. 

(ijoes into bedroom, l. I. E.) 

Preedy. Now, Emma dearest, {indicates settee) 
tell me about this hound. 

{They both sit on settee, Preedy on her R.) 

Emma. Oh, he said he'd been to see you, and 
that you were leading a reckless life of dissipation — 
and when at last he went away, he said he meant to 
come back later in the evening and tell papa — and 
after he was gone I couldn't bear the suspense any 
longer — so I came round to you. 

Preedy. You did perfectly right— as a matter of 
fact, I had never met the Countess of Rushmere till 
late last evening. It's a long story, but you can see 
for yourself the 

Emma. Of course I believe it, especially since 
I've seen Lady Rushmere. 

Preedy. The whole idea's absurd ; why, if I 
could have had the impertinent assurance to regard 
her ladyship in the light Mr. Saunders implies, I 
should have had to stand up on a chair. 
(BiLSON comes in from hall.) 
I can explain to Mr. Sidgrave. 



122 MR. FREED Y AND THE COUNTESS. [Act III. 

BiLSON. There's some one to see you ; he won't 
give his name. 

(Emma and Preedy exchange an apprehensive glance.) 

Preedy. {to BiLSON, lookiyig at him) Who is 
this man ? 

BiLSON. I couldn't say — ^lie had his collar turne d 
up. 

Emma. Do you think it's {looking at 

Preedy anxiously) ...... *,, , 

Preedy. I'm afraid it seems rather probable. 
{going up to door r.) Never mind, dear — you go into 
my drawing-room. 

(Emma crosses to r. above table.) 
Emma. Oh, must I ? 

Preedy. Yes, just for a minute or two. {to 
Bilson) Show him in. 

(BiLSON goes off into hall.) 

Emma. Oh, if he were to hurt you ! 

Preedy. That is very unlikely. I kicked him 
out this morning, and I can kick him out to-night. 
Don't you worry. I'll come to you directly, (r.c. 
up stage) 

(Em.ma goes into drawing-room r.u.e.) 
( BiLSON comes in followed by Bounsall, who has 
his collar turned up and his hat well over his eyes.) 
BiLSON. Some one to see you. 

(Preedy pushes Bilson aside.) 



AcTltl.] MB. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. 123 

Preedy. {turning hastily) Now, what the devil 
do you mean by coming here again ? 

BouNSALL. {removing his hat and coat and giving 
them to BiLSON, who exits into hall) Not a very 
hospitable greeting, Preedy. 

Preedy. {overjoyed) Oh, good heavens, Mr. 
Bounsall ! I thought you were Saunders. 

BouNSALL. Yes — well, I'm not Saunders. Lower 
your voice — there's no occasion to shout your 
welcome, {speaking softly) Where is Lady Rush- 
mere ? 

Preedy. She's in her bedroom — my bedroom — 
the bedroom. 
(Bounsall takes Preedy by the arm and brings him 

below table r. Preedy goes to R. of table and 

immediately begins to fidget with ash-tray.) 

Bounsall. Oh, then come over here. I don't 
want to disturb her at present. Can't we go into 
your drawing-room ? I'm in sore need of a con 
fidentiai chat with you. 

Preedy. I'm afraid the drawing-room is occu- 
pied. Oh, there is the pantry 

Bounsall. Pantry ! I wonder you don't ask 
me to sit on the boiler and put my feet on the knife 
machine — ^we'll stay hero and talk quietly. Sit down 
and listen to me. 

(Preedy sits r. of table. Bounsall l. of table.) 
Since I saw you. Fate has materially altered the 
general situation. Listen to me ! 



124 MR. TREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. [Act III. 

(Freed Y sushides on to the edge of a chair. ) 
I reached Mr. Pottinger's residence at a very early 
hour this morning. I was taken up to his room, 
and found him propped up in bed — with a hospital 
nurse and doctor each side of it — and his la\V^yer, v/ho 
had just completed the drawing up of two wills. 

Preedy. Two wills ? 

BouNSALL. Hush ! Two wills. They were 
awaiting his signature, the lawyer briefly explained, 
because Mr. Pottinger was only able to gasp at me 
affectionately. The lawyer explained that by one will 
I should inherit the whole of his vast property, 
saddled with a condition. By the other, the bulk of 
his money would have gone to found an asylum for 
idiots. 

Preedy. Idiots ! 

BouNSALL. Idiots ! To insure— as the lawyer 
drily put it — that if I refused the condition my future 
might still be provided for. 

(Preedy laughs.) 

What? 

Preedy. Merely my sense of humour. What 
was the condition ? 

BouNSALL. Mr. Pottinger required that I should 
then and there contract a bedside marriage with the 
female relative of whom I spoke to you last evening. 

Preedy. Oh, good heavens ! I suppose she was 
there ? 

BouNSALL. There ! Of course she was there — 



AcTllL] MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. 125 

and so was Archdeacon Mathers, who had driven six 
miles and seemed to resent the loss of his night's rest. 

Pre ED Y. Yes — well ? 

BouNSALL. Well ! You say well, but can your 
imagination grasp the problem that faced me — 
an elderly relative in extremis, anxious for recon- 
ciliation, sustained through the long hours by the 
hope — and a little Valentine's Meat Juice — but 
mainly by the hope that I should find myself able 
to meet his views — and that he could bequeath me 
his blessing and large fortune. Think of it, Preedy — 
two lace factories hanging in one scale, and my heavy 
liabilities in the other. What could I do ? I ask 
you as a high-minded, right-feeling man. 

Preedy. You're very kind. 

BouNSALi;. I was referring to myself ; what could 
I do? 

Preedy. I suppose it was a little difficult. 

BouNSALL. To some men it might have been. I 
saw my duty plainly and rose to the dignity of the 
occasion. The marriage ceremony — which not even 
the sleepiness of Archdeacon Mathers could rob of its 
solemnity — was gone through. At the proper 
moment [ placed on my wife's finger a curtain ring, 
which was the only one available, and we were 
irrevocably married. 

{Pause. The two men look at one another.) 
Well, Preedy, I am waiting for your assurance that 
under the pecuHar circumstances 1 could not have 
acted differently. 



126 MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. [Act III. 

Preedy. I don't know whether it has escaped 
your recollection, but we have only casually referred 
to Lady Rushmere. 

BouNSALL. We will deal with that later ; mean- 
while I pause for your answer to my inquiry. 

Preedy. Well, Mr. Bounsall, it is difficult for 
me to view any action of yours in an unfavourable 
light. 

Bounsall. (iviiJi a smile) Quite so. 

Preedy. But, of course, if any other man had 
gained the confidence of her ladyship, and had then 
betrayed it, I'm afraid I should have looked on him 
in the light of a contemptible our. 

Bounsall. (leaning over the table) Are you 
applying that term to me, and to niy recent 
course of action ? 

Preedy. Certainly not, Mr. Bounsall, I ex- 
pressly guarded myself on that point ; my comment 
is not directed to your recent course of action, but 
merely to the course of action of any other man who 
had done the same thing. 

Bounsall. {a little uncomfortably) Oh ! Well, 
my return to Nottingham must not be delayed. 

[They both rise.) 

It is my earnest desire to show every consideration 
for Lady Rushmere's feelings. I dare say I can 
arrange that my aunt's domicile in Hertfordshire 
may still be placed at her disposal. But a meeting 
between us might be productive of discomfort to 



Act 111] MR. FREED Y AND THE COUNTESS. 127 

botli. I will, therefore, leave tlie whole explanation 
to you. >rou will tell her ? 

Preedy. No, I can't do that. 

BouNSALL. You can't ? 

Preedy. No, Mr. Bounsall ; if you wish Lady 
Rushmere to be informed of your marriage to some 
other person, you must tell her yourself. 

Bounsall. You refuse to obhge me in this 
matter ? 

Preedy. Mr. Bounsall, with every sentiment of 
undiminished respect, I'll see you damned first. 

(Bounsall is for the moment dumb with amazement. 
He then speaks very quietly.) 

Bounsall. See me damned first ? 
Preedy. Yes, and even after that eventuality 
1 should still decline. 

Bounsall. Preedy, you adopt a tone that is far 
less suited to the dignified commercial position in 
which my good nature has placed you, than to the 
itinerant sale of whelks, (buttons up coat) 1 will 
myself communicate with Lady Rushmere in writing, 
but {moves to settee for his cap) I cannot remain an- 
other moment under your roof, [he turns to go up 
to door) 

(Preedy rapidly goes above table to door and inter- 
cepts him. They are both by the door leading to th^ 
hall and Bounsall is on Preedy' s l.) 
Preedy. No, you don't ! 
Bounsall. Don't what, sir ? 



128 MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. [Act III. 

Preedy. You don't leave here till this matter's 
settled. 

BouNSALL. Preedy, don't tempt me to forget the 
difference in our respective physiques. 

Preedy. If I'm prepared to ignore it, I don't 
think you need mind. 

BouNSALL Stand out of the way, sir, and let me 
pass, (endeavouring to go) 

(Preedy clasps him round the waist.) 
Preedy. I won't. 

(BouNSALL lifts PreedV from the ground and swings 
him violently round. This is ad lib., hut when 
Lady Kushmere enters, Bounsall is at the r. of 
hall door ivith Preedy^ onh.) 
Bounsall. [swinging him round) Release me 

at once, Mr. Preedy, or I shall do you a violence. 
Preedy. I shall hold on till somebody comes. 

(Lady Rushmere enters from bedroom. Picture.) 
Lady Rushmere. Good evening, Mr. Bounsall. 

(Slight pause. Both men laugh feebly, and break 

away.) 
Thought I heard a famihar voice, so I came out. 
Were you teaching Mr. Preedy a new waltz step ? 

Bounsall. (uneasily) Good evening, Lady 
Rushmere. (goes to i^. of table above chair) 

Preedy. Mr. Bounsall had remembered an 
appointment. I was trying to persuade him to post- 
pone it. (at door) 



Act 111.] MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTI'^SS. 1-29 

Lady Rushmere. {at foot of settee) Mr. Boun- 
itall had an appointment with 7ne — that is a good 
many hoars overdue. 

BouNSALL. Preedy had better leave us. 

(Pre ED Y turns to go.) 

Lady Rushmere. He had better do nothing of 
the kind. 

(Preedy stops.) 

Now, Mr. Bounsall. 

BouNSALL. Well, Lady Rushmere, {commg to 
chair L. of table r.c.) I must hasten to admit that my 
position is most awkward — quite painfully awk- 
ward — in fact, the tangle is so complex in its 
ramifications that I felt I could more easily 
disentangle it in writing — and I was leaving 
with that intention, but Preedy intercepted me, 
and 

Lady Rushmere. We don't seem to be getting 
on. Does Mr. Preedy know how matters stand ? 

Bounsall. Yes. 

Lady Rushmere. How would it be if he were 
to have a try at it ? 

Preedy. Oh, well — of course, if your ladyship 
wishes me to. 

Lady Rushmere. I do. 

Bounsall. Ah ! That being so, I assume there 
is no necessity for me to remain, (slight movement 
towards door as if to go) 



l30 MR. PREEDY AND THK COUNTESS. [Aor III. 

(Preedy stands ivith his legs apart and his hack to 

the door.) 

Lady Rushmere. There is every Becessity. 
{sitting on settee) Now, Mr. Preedy. 

(BouNSALL goes to fire-place.) 

Preedy. (c.) Well, Mr. Bounsall tells me that 
he went to Nottingham and saw Mr. — er 

Lady Rushmere. The godfather ? 

Preedy. The godfather, who was about to make 
his will — at least, one of his wills. 

Lady Rushmere. One of his wills ? 

Bounsall. Two wills had been prepared, and- — - 

Preedy. Sh ! Sh ! 

(Bounsall looks indignant.) 

■' Lady Rushmere. Yes, I think we'll leave it tf> 
Mr. Preedy. 

Preedy. And one of these wills bequeathed the 
whole of an extensive property to Mr. Bounsall. 

Lady Rushmere. Yes. 

Preedy. But the aged — especially when they are 
invalided — are apt to have their little fancies. Old 
Pott — er — Mr. Pottinger appears to have been no 
exception to the rule. 

Lady Rushmere. What was his Uttle fancy ? 

Preedy. That Mr. Bounsall should— should 
marry his — I'm not sure if I fully understand the 
exact relationship, something in the nature of a 
step-daughter. 



Act III.] MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. 131 

BouNSALL. Mr. Pottinger's first wife's second 
daughter — by a former ■ husband. 

Preedy. Sh ! Sh ! And that the marriage 
should take place then and there — at the bedside. 

Lady Kushmere. And did it ? 

Preedy. It apparently did. {slight pause) 

Lady Rushmere. (pause) I see. Thank yoii, 
Mr. Preedy. {rising) You've made things qvdte 
clear to me. 

BouNSALL. Lady Rushmere, I trust you will 
hear me before you finally condemn, {coming below 
table) 

Lady Rushmere. One moment. 

(BouNSALL returns to fire-place.) 

(to Preedy) Has Miss Sidgrave gone? 

Preedy. Not yet ; she is in the drawing-room. 
vi Lady Rushmere. Suppose you go to her. Mr. 
Bounsall and I had better have a word or two to- 
gether, but I'll come to you in a very few minutfes. 

Preedy. Certainly, (going) You do under- 
stand that, without your strongly expressed wish, I 
wouldn't have intervened for the world ? 

Lady Rushmere. I understand everything, and 
having heard the romantic story, I'm ashamed to 
have troubled you to tell me. 

Preedy. Oh, Lady Rushmere, don't mention 
trouble. I'm only too happy— that is to say. Pin 
not happy at all — (ivith an apprehensive look at 



132 MR. FREED Y AND THE COUNTESS. [Act III. 

,Bounsall) naturally. I think, if you'll excuse me^ 
I will go to Miss Sidgrave. 

Lady Rushmere. Do ! 
(Preedy goes off into drawing-room. Slight pause.) 

BouNSALL. [again returning to below table) I 
hope in common fairness you will allow me to ex- 
plain my position. I had fondly hoped we might, in 
tinjie, be connected by a closer tie than mere friend- 
ship. 

Lady Rushmere. That's a very unpleasant 
reminder. 

BouNSALL. In conoluding this marriage there 
were certain pecuniary considerations involved, but 
they weighed very lightly in the balance ; it was 
entirely a matter of principle. 

Lady Rushmere. I'm a poor hand at figures, but 
I fancy I can see where principle ended and interest 
began. 

BouNSALL. I can understand the cause of your 
anger. 

Lady Rushmere. My dear Mr. Bounsall, that 

is exactly what you can't do. Why should I be 

annoyed with you ? You have apparently made 

an excellent matrimonial bargain, and behaved in 

accordance with your commercial instincts. We 

happened to come across each other when I'd had 

rather a rough time with Bob, and I thought I'd 

take on a moral, respectable middle-class man by way 

of a change, but these social blendings do'n't work — 

one might as well try to grow onions in an orchid 



Act III.] :>IFv. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. 133 

liouse, and tliercfore I have really 1:0 grievance 
against you. The person I'm on bad ternis vdth at 
this moment is Joanna, Countess of RuBhmere, for 
having made an exceptional fool of herself. 

BouNSALL. I suppose it is quite useless for me 
to make any further allusion to — Hertfordshire ? 

Lady Rushmere. Quite, thanks. You are prob- 
ably anxious to return to your wife. Don't let me 
detain you. {goes up c. above table to door r.) 

BouNSALL. Lady Rushmere ! (foUoiving her 
up c.) 

Lady Rushmere. Good-bye, Mr, Bounsall. 

(She goes into drawing -room.) 
(Bounsall pauses a moment in thought, then take^ 
a few steps towards settee, turns and is going wp 
stage when Bilson comes in, followed by Lord 
KiNSLOw (1), Lord Rushmere (2), and the Hon. 
Robert Jennerway (3).) 

BiLSON. [at R. of door) Lord Kinslow, Lord 
Rushmere, and Mr. Robert Jennerway. 

(Lord Rushmere has a large paper parcel under his 
arm. Kinslow goes above table to fireplace.) 

Lord Rushmere. {to Bilson) I don't sec Mr. 
Preedy. {by chair at top of table) 

Lord Kinslow. You inform3d us h3 was at 
home. 

Bilson. He was here a few minutes ago. - 

Lord Rushmere. Where's the Heaven-forsaken 



134 MR. I'REEDY AND THE COUNTESS. [Act ITI. 

little beast put himself ? In the pantry, T suppose. 
.seeing Bounsall) Who's this ? 

(Jeivnerway has entered slightly after the others, 
lie places his hat on pedestal.) 

Jknnerway. (recognizing Bounsall) Hullo ! 
hullo ! — hullo ! It's good old Bounsall ! I say, 
Bush, this is Bounsall, the other cove's partner. 

Lord Rushmere. You can get out — we'll ring). 

(BiLSON goes out into pantry.) 
Jennerway. (to Bounsall) Dear old bird ! 
(Bounsall i9 l.c. hy settee, Jennerway on his r.) 

Great luck your being here. You don't know these 
chaps — what ? This is Rushmere. Rush, put that 
blessed thing down and come and know Bounsall — 
who is quite one of the best. 

LpRD Rushmere. (to Bounsall. He still has 
vase under his arm) How are you ? (comes c.) 
I broke a bit of your partner's crockery this mornings 
and this is to replace it — in the matter of outlay, I 
believe I've overshot the mark, (putting vase oft 
pahki'—4he upper end) ^,. 

Bounsall. , Who is the other? 

Jennerway. The venerable man's Lord Kinslow, 
my— in point of fact — father. 

(Lord Kinslow nods. He is hy the fire-place. 
Rushmere sits in chair at top of table, takes vase 
on his hnees and commences undoing the parcel.) 

^UNSALL. How do you do, my lord ? 



Act in. ] MR. FREED Y AND TPIE COUNTESS. 135 

Lord Kinslow. You will probably realize our 
desire to escape from the present social and moral 
deadlock, {sits R. of table) 

Jennerway. Now, about this Tweedy, {sitting 
on settee) 

BouNSALL, Preedy ! {at L. end of settee) 

Jennerway. Preedy, the chap seems to have 
brought some kind of influence to bear on Joanna — 
hypnotic. By George ! that's a good word. 

Bounsall. I am somewhat astonished to meet 
you here, Jennerway. I understood you had~ 
had— ^ — 

(Note. — From this point until his exit, Bounsall is 
constantly endeavouring to get awatjy and evinces 
extreme annoyance each time he is prevented from 
escaping.) 

Jennerway. Oh, {rising) yes, that's all right, I 
had, but that was nothing. I'll tell you all about 
that. .i 

Bounsall. I have really no wish to hear. I 
have an appointment and I fear I must be going; 
{making movement) 

Jennerway. {taking Bounsall by the right arm) 
You ain't going. Bonny Boy, except over my recum; 
bent corpse, because we've got a heap of use for you. 
I wanted a change, and I trotted oi! to the Pyramid^, 
and of course there was somebody with me — cele- 
brated dancer — met her in Vienna — but I soon found 
we couldn't keep step together. Beastly ungrateful 



136 MK. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. [Act III. 

woman, with a sordid nature, (to Bounsall) You 
know the sort 

Bou^'SALL. I do not know the sort, (endeavour- 
ing to go to hall door) 

Jennerway. Oh no, of course. I'm always for- 
getting you're respectable. 

Lord Rushmere. Push along with it, Bob. 
(still husy with the vase) 

Jennerway. Yes ; well — this party and I had a 
final ding dong, and she went off with the courier, 
that's all about that. What bothered me was that 
I was at a loose end in the matter of coin. By 
extraordinary luck I met Charhe Blantyre. 1 say, 
Rush 

Lord Rushmere. ('places vase at head of table, 
rises and gazes at it) You know, that vase is a bit 
too good ; I ought to have bought the cheaper one. 

Jennerway. (c.) Oh, Lord, you might answer' 
a simple question, not stand pottering there. 
Hullo ! Did you catch that ? Pottering — not bad — 
what ? 

(KiNSLOW rises and goes slowly up stage by fire-place 
and eventually to hall door.) 

(to Lord Rushmere) You know Charlie Blantyre ? 

Lord Rushmere. Yes, I do. What about 
Mm? 

Jennerway. Well, he's owed me a monkey for 
centuries, and in the noblest and most unexpected 
way he paid some of it back. When I arrived I 



Act III.] MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. 137 

found all this kick-up between Jo and your friend 
Tweedy— Preedy. Now, if I could talk to her, and 
(tajyping Bounsall on the chest) you could talk to 
him. If I don't smoke something I shall die. (goes 
towards Rushmere) Got a cigarette, Rush ? 

Lord Rushmere. No— if I had I should be 
smokin' it. 

Jennerway. The guv'nor's a non-smoker. Oh, 

hang it ! 

Lord Rushmere. (seeing cigarette box on side- 
hoard) This looks like baccy. Preedy's, I suppose. 
{places box and matches on table, and stands R. of 

table) 

Jennerway. Good old Preedy! (sits l. of 
table) Probably muck, but any port in a storm. 
I say, Rush, give me a light. 

(Jennerway takes a cigarette, endeavours to strike 
match on match stand. He fails. Takes another 
match, strikes it on vase and lights cigarette. Rush- 
mere indignantly re^mves vase, puts it under his 
arm and sits on club fender. By this time Bounsall 
has crept towards hall door, where he is intercepted 
by Kinslow, who brings him doivn c. on his l.) 
Lord Kinslow. I can appreciate your hesita- 
tion, Mr. Bounsall, but Robert is obviously right in 
his assumption that your intervention would be 
invaluable, associated as you are with Mr. Preedy. 
Bounsall. There are reasons which practically 
prohibit me from (going down l.) 



138 MR. PKEEDY AND THE COUNTESS. [Act III 

Jennerway. No, they don't, you mustn't let 
'em. (rising and going l.c. to Bounsall) 

(KiNSLOW wanders up stage.) 

Bounsall. On the whole, and having carefully 
considered the present crisis, I should greatly prefer 
to withdraw. 

Jennerway. Don't talk that asinine rot about 
withdrav/ing ; be a bit sporting ; and that reminds 
me about that little filly of yours, Crazy Jane. 

(RusHMERE has risen and come below table, on ivhich 
he places the vase, doivn stage and close to chair L. 

of table.) 

Bounsall. Beally, I 

Jennerway. The weights are out for the Cam- 
bridgeshire, and with six stone seven she seems 
simply chucked in. 

(Lord Rushmere comes over to him.) 

Lord Rushmere. [going r.c.) 

(KiNSLOw wanders badJc to fire-place. He is now 

it., Rushmere r.c, Jennerway c, Bounsall 

I noticed that. May I ask on a short acquaintance, 
whether she's meant ? 

(Preedy comes out.) 
(Bounsall, endeavouring to get away, goes up stage 
to middle of front of settee. Jennerway joins 
him and Rushmere goes up on Jennerway's r.) 



Act III.] MK. I'KEEDY AND THE COUNTESS. 139 

BouNSALL. I have not finally decided — and really 
at a moment like this 

Preedy. Good evening, gentlemen ! {comes to 
chair l. of table R.c) 

{A momsnfs pause ; they turn and look at him.) 

Lord Rushmere. Oh, you've turned up, have 
you ? I say, Bob, this is him. 

Jennerway. Is it, by George ! Well, Rush, 
you'd better just let him know who I am, don't 
you think ? 

Lord Rushmere. (c.) Yes, I will in a minute, 
but the first and most important thing for Mr. 
Preedy to understand is, that I've replaced that bit 
of crockery I broke this morning. 
. Omnes. What! 

Lord Rushmere. It's over there, sir. (point- 
ing to table) 

(The positions at this point are :) 

Rushmere. 
KiNSLOw. / \ Preedy. /\ 

JennerNway. 

BOUN/SAI.L. 

Lord Rushimejie. Now then, Mr. Preedy, this ia 
Mr. Robert Jennerway — Lady Rushmere's husband. 

(Preedy bows. Jennerway nods genially.) 
(gives Jennerway an admonishing look) Lady 
Rushmere's deeply injured husband, (goes to top 
end of settee) 

Jennerway. What ? Of course you're quite 




140 MR. PREEDY AN"D THE COUNTESS. [Act III. 

right — deeply injured — liadnt struck me ? {cross- 
ing to Preedy) Confound it, Mr. — er — man ! 
What the devil's all this about ? 

Preedy. All what about, Mr. Jcnnerway ? 
{seated l. of table) 

Jennerway. Why, luring the Cauntess of Rush- 
mere — my — in point of fact — wife, from the path 
of — thingummy, {turning to Lord Rushmere.) 
What? 

Lord Rushmere. That's the way to put it. 
(up L.c. b]/ top end of settee) 

(KiNSLOW is seated R. of table.) 
Jennerway. If I didn't suffer with a shaky 
hand — which has got rather worse lately — I'd have 
conveyed you over to Belgium and potted you like a 
partridge. 

(KiNSLOW raises hand in reproach.) 

Preedy. Belgium? I understood, Mr. Jenner- 
way, your travels were more in the direction of 
Egypt. 

Jennerway. You leave Egypt * alone. Egypt 
ain't included in your map— we've been talking it 
over with dear old Bonny Bounsall. 

Preedy. Ah, quite so. I see you haven't gone 
yet, Mr. Bounsall. 

Bounsall. (l.) No, Preedy — ahem ! — I — have 
not. I was most unwilling to intrude, but 

Lord Kinslow. We begged Mr. Bounsall to 
remain. 



Act ill.] MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. Ul 

Jennerway. We couldn't spare you, Bonny 
Boykin, could we ? {moves to Lord Rushmere, 
and they talk apart) 

BouNSALL. I felt hopeful in fact, confident — you 
would listen to reason, {winking at Preedy) 

Preedy. I shall be most happy to Hsten to rea- 
son ; up to now I've only listened to Mr. Jennerway. 

Jennerway. {lOoking raund, to Lord Rush- 
mere) What's the notion of that ? Cheek ? 

Preedy. I resent the necessity for any kind of 
discussion with a person of Mr. Jennerway's low 
moral character. 

{All staggered.) 

Jennerway. {going over to Preedy) My moral 
character ! Have you never heard the famiUar 
saying about the pot and the kettle ? 

Preedy. That flippant rejoinder simply passes 
me by. 

Jennerway. Oh, does it ? Now, look here, {going 
to Preedy) my Httle commercial friend, what we've 
got to arrive at is what's going to be done. We can 

dismiss the sunny shores of Belgium Oh, Lord, I 

never met such beastly baccy as you smoke in all my 
life, {goes behirid Preedy to top of table and puts 
cigarette in ash-tray.) 

BouNSALL. May we not hope that the best solu- 
tion lies in the direction of conciliation ? {at foot 
of settee) 

Jennerway. Good old Bounsall ! Conciliation ! 
{is c.) Of course, that's it ! 



142 MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. [Act III. 

(BouNSALL goes up at back of settee and sits in chair 

by table l.) 

Now, it seems to me, Mr. Preedy, that you and tny 
late Viennese friend balance one another ; she's 
gone off with the courier, and if you will revert — 
good word — to the respectability for which nature 
clearly intended you, thab would leave Joanna and 
myself free to declare a draw, and we can all go 
back to — er 

Lord Kinslow. The status quo ante. 

Jennerway. I don't know what the guv'nor 
means, but I've no doubt he's right, {saying this to 
Bounsall) 

(RuSHMERE has by this time crossed to top of table B.) 

(Slight pause.) 

Preedy. (rising) Mr. Jennerway, you have ad- 
dressed your proposal to me, but Lady Rushmere is 
the only person who can answer it. (glancing at 
Bounsall) I will ask her to come to you. 

(Bounsall rises and comes down l. behind settee.) 
(going up stage) And it will be for 'her to decide 
whether she prefers the fire to the frying-pan. 

(Preedy goes into the drawing-room.) 
Jennerway. Well, he's right, 1 think ; we must 

talk to Joanna. 

Bounsall. Quite so. And now that the matter has 

reached its present happy stage, I really must insist 

on withdrawing, (moving to go) 



ActHLJ MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. 143 

(BouNSALL endeavours to go to hall door. Kinslow, 
RusiiMERE and Jennerway prevent him. Rush- 
mere and Jennerway back up stage with Rush- 
mere o?i Jennerway's r. Kinslow conies below 
and up c. All crowd round Bounsall, uiho is 
pushing his way through them as Lady Rushmere 
enters and comes to top of chair L. of table at " Quite 
a pleasant family gathering.^'' All nien turn. Picture. 
Rushmere and Kinslow go above table, Jenner- 
way crosses to Lady Rushmere, Bounsall comss 
down behind settee to l.) 

Jennerway. That be damned — what? 

Bounsall. In the interest of deHcacy, Jenner- 
way 

Jennerway. That's simply piffle, gentle floweret. 

Bounsall. Lady Rushmere will be here in a 
moment ; it would be painful for her as well as for 
me. 

Jennerway. But you've met Jo — she won't mind 
you. 

(Lady Rushmere conies in.) 

Lord Rushmere. Better see it through, don't you 
think? 

Lord Kinslow, (to Bounsall) Let me add my 
entreaties. 

Jennerway. We've got you, and we're going to 
stick to you. 

Bounsall. Really, 1 

Lady Rushmere. Quite a pleasant family gather- 
ing. 



144 MR. PnEEDY A^B THE COUNTESS. [Act III. 

•Jennerway. Hullo ! Imllo ! liullo ! 
Lady Rushmere. Good evening, Bob. * 
Jennerway. You see before you a penitent man. 

(Preedy enters and comes doivn by fire-place to foot of 

table.) 

Lady Rushmere. Be a little careful with the 

penitence, because you're not used to it., Mr. Boun- 

sall still here ! That's rather an unexpected pleasure. 

; BouNSALL. Under pressure^ I assure you, Lady 

Rushmere — I was most anxious to 20;,,..,,,,.,, 

Lady Rushmere. I can quite understand that. 

(KiNSLOw sits at top end of fender. Rushmere above 
him by the sideboard.) 

Lord Kinslow. We all persuaded Mr. Bounsall 
to remain. 

Jennerway. Oh yes, we couldn't spare dear old 
sunny-hearted Bounsall. Well, Jo, Fl! deal with 
myself later — I can explain all that. I say, old girl, 
you've been kicking your heels to a right merry tune 
— what ? But there's nothing of that nigger chap 
about me — what's his name ? Othello — and I think 
Preedy will admit that all things considered, I've let 
him oil pretty easy. 

Lady Rushmere. Let Mr. Preedy off ? That 
was very good of you. Now it's about time you 
heard the truth, {sits l. of table) 

Bounsall. I will ask you all to excuse me. (makes 
movement to go) 

Lady Rushmere. Since you persuaded Mr. Boun* 



AoTin.] MU. PllEEDY AND THE COUNTESS. 146 

sail to atop, I think you'd better keep him a bit longer ; 
he's rather prominent in my story. 
Jennerway. What, good old bonny Bounsall T 

(JBounsall sits on settee.) 

Lady Rushmere. Yes, as you put it, good old 
bonny Bonnsall. He was on the look out for some 
lady with a title, who was young and silly enough, o r 
old and silly enough, to listen to him, and he met me 
and proposed that we should bolt. 

Jennerway. What ? . 

[General astonishment.) 

Lady Rltshmere. This was to be a brand new 
kind of elopement, not hke one of yours, {to Jenner- 
way) It wa& to be thoroughly^moral and proper in 
every way: r^ S}f0' ; i 

KusHMERE. /"""^ Jennerway. 

Ktnslow. I )Lady Rushmere 

BouNS all 





Preedy. 

Jennerway. What a damned ruffian ! 

Lady Rushmere. We were to motor to his aunt's 
in Hertfordshire. Mr. Bounsall's name wasn't to be 
mentioned, so nobody's hnen would have to go to the 
public laundry, except yours. , 

^ Jennerway. Well, upon my soul ! What ? 

Lady Rushmere. We started, and got as far as 

K 
4/ 



146 MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. [Act III. 

town ; we stopped here for a bait on the way, and 
then Mr. Bounsall suddenly developed a sick god- 
father in the country. He went off, and so far as'I can 
understand, married some one else in the middle of 
the night. That's by the way. {to Jennerway) 
But I want to direct your attention to Mr. Preedy, on 
to whose back I was chucked like a sack of coals. 

Preedy. Oh, Lady Kushmere ! 

Lady Rushmere. And it's lucky for you, Bob, 
and still more lucky for me, that Mr. Preedy happened 
to be Mr. Preedy. He bucked up under the weight of 
me, saw to my comfort, handed me over his flat and 
his bed, and trotted out to an hotel in the middle of a 
wet night like a thorough sportsman. And as he had 
promised Mr. Bounsall to keep his secret, he never 
gfi^ve the show away. And now (rises, turning to 
Jennerway) I think it's about time you went down 
on those shaky knees of yours and asked Mr. Preedy's 
pardon. 

Jennerway. My dear Jo, I'd do it like a shot, but' 
what I'd rather do would be to shake him by the 
hand — {crossing to Preedy) 

(Lady Rushmere comes c.) 

— if Mr. Preedy will so far honour me, and tell him I 
tliink he's the biggest man in England. 

Preedy. {shaking hands with him) That's a com- 
pHment I hardly expected, Mr. Jennerway. {goes up 
between fire-place and table to Rushmere, who goes R. 
of hall door) 



Act III.] MR. PREEDY AKD THE COUKTESS. 147 

Lady Rushmere. And now perhaps Mr. Bounsall 
needn't wait, {goes to settee and sits) 

(KiNSLOW is by. the head of fire-flace.) 

Jennerway. Needn't wait, {crossing amd following 
Bounsall, tvho goes up l. behind settee to hall door) 
By George ! he'd better not. Confound it, air ? 
All the time you were a snake in the grass— <[mte the 
cobra— what ? 

Lord RushmeRe. (r. of hall door with Preedy o^ 
his R.) Then it's tlie oth^r waster who's been taking 
up our time. 

(Bounsall is at hall door. Jennerway is on his %,. 
and RusHMERE on his b.) 

Bounsall. I can only say I have acted through- 
out from the highest motives, {he waves his hc^nds 
as if to dismiss them all. In doing this he hits Jenner- 
way on the chest and nearly hits Rushmere, who backf 
on to Preedy) 

{He goes out. They all look after him.}. 

(Rushmere and Lady Rushmere go to settee. She 
_ sits. Rushmere t5 by her. Preedy comes c.) 

Jennerway. That's a nice kind of man ! 

(Jennerway crosses and sits l. of table. Kinslow 
comes doivn ton. of table. Jennerway y'w speaking 
to Kinslow becomes emplmtic and stretches his riglit 
arm across the table and close to and above vase. 
At " An urtspeahable tyke " he turns as if to address 



148 M?v. IM;]]E"^V' and the C0UNTES3. [Act III. 

Lady Rushmere and Rushmere and inadvert- 
ently knocks the vase from the table.) 

Upon my life ! when one sees the true nature of the 
brute, it makes one positively regret tlie outstanding 
trifles of borrowed money there is still between us, 
I'll lot it up — and I'm not at all sure, sir, (io Lord 
RiNSLOw) that it wouldn't be judicious of you to send 
him a cheque — in the whole course of my life I nevet 
iremember encountering such an unspeakable tyke. 
{knocks over vase, which breaks) Hullo ! hullo ! Little 
accident, I'm afraid. 

Lord Rushmere. (highly indignant) Accident t 
Whsit a danmed clumsy idiot you are, Bob ! (l.c.) 

^ i ; ( Jennerway at foot of chair l. of table.) 

Freed Y. It really doesn't signify, {coming c.) 
toRD Rushmere. Doesn't signify! I shouldn't 

haVe mentioned the 'price, Mr. Preedy, but the ass 

has pulverized fifteen guineas. 
Jennerway. We can replace it. (r.c.) 
Lord Rushmere. Replace be damned ! I've 

done my share of replacing, [goes up c.) 

Jennerway. My dear Rush, when I said we can 

replace it, the person I had chiefly in mind was my — - 

er — respected father. 

Lord Kinslow. Fifteen guineas ! Oh, no ! — Oh, 

no ! (doivn r.) 

Preedy. {on his knees ficking wp pieces) If I 

may suggest — not in a spirit of advertisement — we 



Act III.] MR. PREEDY AND THE C0UKTES8. 149 

are bringing out a new patent cement that really has 
excellent results. 

Jennerway. Cement! {care fully .^tcpfing over 
Freedy's legs) That's the best idea we've had yet, 
iand you must really permit me to pay for it — what ? 
Oh, no, damn it ! I insist ! {he crosses over to Lady 
Rushmere) 

(Rushmere pais Preedy, tvho has risen and gone to 
B. of table. KiNSLOW has taken hearth-brush and 
swept some of the broken pieces under table on back. 
He takes pieces of vase up stage, Rushwere pours 
himself out a tvhisky and soda, also pours out one 
for KiNSLOW and Preedy. TJiey drink hy settee 
up R.) 

Now, look here, Jo, we ain't going to quarrel, are we? 
1 assure you I've shaken off all my — er — Egyptian 
bonds — rather neat — what ? And if I've put a little 
money on a female outsider now and then, at the 
finish you're always at the top of the betting. 

Lady Rushmere. All right. I suppose we must 
have another try, and we may worry through. 

Jennerway. Bless you ! (rises) 

Lady Rushmere. By the way, have you got the 
price of a night's lodging ? 

Jennerway. As it happens, I'm rather coiny at 
the moment. Charlie Blantyre paid me the front 
paws of a monkey. 

(Harriet enters from bedroom.) 
Lady Rushmere. Good old Charlie ! Let's go to 



160 MR. r^EEDY AND THE COUNTESS. [Act III. 

the Savoy, (to Harriet, who is l. of settee) Bring 
me my cloak in about five minutes. 

(Harriet goes.) 

Jennerway. New maid ? . 

Lady Rushmere. Yes ! 
Jennerway. Ah ! looks useful. 
{BiLSON enters from hall, folloivcd hy Sidgrave, Mrs. 
Sidgrave and Saunders.) 
BiLSON. Mr. and Mrs. Sidgrave, and Mr. Saunders. 
Preedy. Oh, dear ! Oh, dear ! 

(Preedy moves below table r.c. Jennerway to 
baek of settee an,dd6wn l.) 

{Mr. Sidgrave comes in, followed by Mrs. Sidgrave, 
G^nrf "Saunders brings up the rear.) 

Saunders. 
Mrs. Sidgrave. 

Rushmere. ' /V 

Lady Rush\merb. 
Jenner/way. 
KiNSLOW. I 1 Sidgrave. 

Preedy 

Sidgrave. Hamilton, a terrible story Has reached 
my ears. Where is my child ? 

Preedy. Oh, Emma is in the drawing-room. 

Mrs. Sidgrave. Without a proper chaperone ? 

Lady Rushmere. That isii^t so. Miss Sidgrave's 
been spending the evening with me. 



(.>f= 



.O 



ActUL] Mil. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. 151. 

_ Mrs. Sidgrave. Who is this ? 
Saunders. You may well ask ; but you'd better 
not know. 

Preedy. Allow me to introduce you to my friends. 
The Countess of Rushmere, 

{She rises leisurely.) 
and her husband, the Hon. Robert Jennerway. 

(They are both startled. Mr. and Mrs. Sidgrave how.) 
Lord Kinslow — the Earl of Rushmere. 

(Mr. and Mrs. Sidgrave bow.) 

' Saunders. Yes, and those gentlemen were trying 
to dissuade this lady to discontinue her disgraceful 
relations with Mr. Preedy — I overheard them. 

Preedy. Mr. Saunders misunderstood the whole 
.affair. 

Saunders. Will her ladyship deny that deserted 
by her husband she had taken up her abode with Mr. 
Preedy ? 

Lady Rushmere. My husband was abroad. 

All. Abroad ! 

Lady Rushmere. And only returned this even- 
ing, (to Jennerway) Back him up. (sits on settee) 

Jennerway. (coming slightly l.c.) The account 
of my movements is curiously accurate. I couldn't 
get here before, tidal train was late, and all that sort 
of thing, but I felt perfectly happy because I knew 
my wife was being looked after by my very dear old 
friend. Tweedy — Preedy. (goes below settee to back 
of it) 



152 Mil. PREEDY AND THE COIMTESS. [Act HI 

SiDGRAVE. Reginald Saunders, your conduct can 
only be traceable to imbecility or intemperance. I 
fear the latter. You had better retire, sir. 

Saunders. 1 will. 1 leave behind me a mixed 
company of knaves and fools. You can sort your- 
selves at your leisure. 

(There is a general movement on tlm fart of all the men. 
Saunders is hy door l.c. Rushmere {above table 
R.c.) goes to him. Jennerway inakes slight mx)ve- 
ment, as does also Kinslow. Preedy goes from 
below table r.c. to Saunders up c.) 

Saunders. Don't you dare to lay a finger on me ! 
Preedy. (to Saunders) I've done it before ! 
Saunders. Don't you dare! rvr't./' 

(Exit.) (At Saunders' exit Preedy exits into drawing- 
room.) 
(Mrs. Sidgrave is at top of table r. centre'^ Sidgrave. 

also at top of table on her R. Jennerway is behind 

the settee. Rushmere is up by R. of Jiall door. 

Kinslow boivs to the Sidgraves and goes c. beloio 

table. Sidgraves bow.) 

Lord Kinslow. Good-bye, Joanna, and Robert, 
I suppose we shall hear from you ? 

Jennerway. Quite sure to, sir. 

Lady Rushmere. The monkey's only a marmoset. 

(Lord Kinslow and Lord Rushmere go off through 

hall door.) 
(Preedy returns with EmmA. Mrs. Sidgrave is at 



Act. III.I MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. 153 

top of table. Ei>ima comes above chair l. of table. 

PpvEedy talks to Sidgrave.) 

Jennerway. Hullo ! Hullo ! That's a useful 
girl ! {coming above settee to c. ogling Emma) 
Lady Kushmere. You go and get a taxi. 

(Harriet comes out from bedroom tvith cloak, helps 
Lady Rushmkre, who rises, on with it, and returns 
to the bedroom) 

Jennerway. With unspeakable delight ! 

Lady Rushmere. What are you messing about 
for? 

JenNerway. {potters about) 1 could have sworn 
I came hero in a hat. {finds it on pedestal.) All 
right, I've got it. {to the Sidgraves, but all the time 
glancing ddmiringly at Emma) Good-bye ! 

(Jennerway exits through hall door.) 
{Curtain warning.) 

Lady Rushmere. {to Emma) When is the wed- 
ding to be ? 

(Emma goes to Lady Rushmere l.c. Preedy Ims 

come to R. of hall door.) 
You must drop me a line. Good-bye, dear, {kisses 
her and then crosses to Preedy c.) 

(Emma sits on settee.) 

Well, dear friend, it is only left for you and me to wish 
each other luck. ^A 



164 MR. PREEDY AJsD THE COUNTESS. [Act III. 

(Mr. and Mrs. Sidgrave are talking together above table '•■ 

R.c) 

Your luck is waiting for you on the settee ; mine i0\ ; 
probably tumbling down tbe- stone staircase. 

Freed Y. Fortune has certainly been most kind 
to me, because a great lady; has just addressed me as 
her dear friend. 

Lady Rushmere. I'm apt to speak as I find, (as 
the goes up she half turns to the Sidgraves) Good- 
bye ! 

Mrs. Sidgrave and Sidgrave. Good-bye, your 
ladyship. 

Preedy. (following her wp) You must allow me 
to see you down. 

Lady Rushmere. You stay where you're wanted 
— on the settee. Good-bye ! (shaking hands with 
Preedy) 

Preedy. Good-bye ! 

(She goes out.) 

Charming woman her ladyship, (eoming down c.) 

(Mrs. Sidgrave sits left of table.) 

Mrs. Sidgrave. (to Preedy) You've known her 
for quite a long time ? 

Preedy. Oh quite— quite a long time ; we're very 
old friends. 

Mrs. Sidgrave. Well now, how about to-morrow, 
Hamilton ? 

Preedy. (going to and sitting by Emma, on her r.) 
i might manage the Imperial Institute and the 



Act III] MR. PREEDY AND THE COUNTESS. 165 

Natural History Museum to-morrow. I deserve a 
little reckless dissipation. 

(There is a general murmur of conversation as the curtain 

falls.) 

' Curtain. 




J *J I. lO I ;7 I I 



iB 0^1, 



IHt UKAMAIIU WUKRS W K. U. UAKTON. 




tbe dountees 



AN ORIGINAL FARCE IN THREE ACTS 



BY 



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